Yep. This Blog Is Restricted to Those Over Thirteen

Due to words such as punch, hurt, death, and crappy. Interesting.
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Editorial

There was a comment on the previous post that I thought I should go into detail about. And I know that more than one person needs to read it.

The comment:
I definitely DO have words! DISAPPROVE. Not okay. Dangerous. Worrisome. Unsafe. Vanessa, I hate it. I know I'm not your mom, but this is no kickboxing class at the gym. Those ladies don't choke each other unconscious, at least not that I've seen. I know you love love LOVE it at Absolute, and so I hesitate to criticize... but I don't think it is cool or cute or tough or FUNNY by any means. Not one bit. I also do not think it impressive to be choked unconscious. Just the opposite, in fact. I apologize for my honesty, I know it will be unwelcome in this case. I just love you too much. I hate to hear about this kind of abuse. I thought you said you were only training, not fighting. Have you changed your mind?Sorry to respond so emotionally, but I find myself feeling very protective of you.

The response:
While I appreciate your concern Natalie, I do feel like you're getting the wrong idea about all this. If you're worried about my safety, you shouldn't be. We aren't there to be brutal or abuse each other. We are there to learn self-defense. Wouldn't you rather I know how to get out of one of those chokes in a controlled environment, than in a situation where someone is there to seriously hurt or kill me? I refuse to be a statistic. I think everyone needs to learn self-defense. You're right, this isn't an aerobic kickboxing class at the gym. And I'm glad. I'm learning very valuable things. Things that will benefit me and my family in the future. I may not have the skills right now to defend myself if needed, but I will. And that's why I'm going to stick with it.
The experience was awesome for the fact that I now know my limits. I can judge a bit better when I need to tap out. No harm was done. The choke was released as soon as I blacked out. We wouldn't be practicing this if we were to inflict brain damage or long term injury on each other. Of course it's better to tap than to be choked out, but sometimes it happens. I know that on that post it felt as if I were laughing a bit about it. And I'm sorry. I could see how that short entry would worry someone. But it really was a laughing matter. No harm was done at all.
Many of these fighters aren't there to just fight in the cage. They're doing it because it's challenging and requires a certain amount of discipline. They want to know how to defend themselves. They want to be fit and strong and healthy. This is definitely a sport that achieves that. They fight in the cage to see how much they've learned and to see how they can apply it in a controlled environment. With a referee. And they hug afterwards.
Once again, I want to tell you and anyone else reading this, that mixed martial arts is a seriously misunderstood sport. Those of you that know me know that I am a very logical girl. I'm not an idiot. I wouldn't be involved in something that was brutal or macho or anything like that. This is a legitimate sport. With value. I hope that I've been able to shed a little light on the subject with this response. If anyone else has questions, don't hesitate to ask. If I don't know how to answer it I can ask an instructor at the gym.
And yes, I am leaning toward actually fighting.
So are we cool now about the whole thing?

I'm Feeling Sleepy

I was choked unconscious today. Collar choke. I didn't want to tap because I was so close to getting my shoulders out from their guard. So close! Didn't get it on time. Next thing I know I was on my stomach with people standing over me laughing and asking me if I was alright. Awesome.

Updated

Last week was the crappiest week of all time. Every bad thing came at me all at once. It's getting better now. Just working through things one at a time. Earlier in the week I felt really beaten down. But things are looking up. So I just want to focus on some good things that happened.

I had dinner with two of my co-workers, Tasha and Courtney, last Monday night. Courtney brought her husband Greg, so we could check him out and see if he was good enough for her or not. Turns out that he's pretty awesome. Courtney bartends at Joe's Crab Shack two nights a week to bring in a little extra money. She gets a sizable discount when she comes in as a patron. It was a sweet deal. I ate an entire bucket of crab legs! Yeah, an entire bucket. Soooo good, but sooooo incredible painful later that night. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I really love working with Courtney and Tasha. They both are relatively new in our section. They are doing an amazing job. Their hard work is taking a significant load off of my shoulders. I'm almost starting to not mind going into work again. Almost. I didn't think that anyone could be as awesome as Scott Lukens was, but they're proving that wrong. They're both so enjoyable to work with. I really luck out in the co-worker department.

(left to right) Tasha, Me, our massive buckets of crab, Courtney, and Greg

I trained at Absolute almost everyday last week. It seems like that's the only place that I really want to be anymore. When I'm there I don't have to think about anything else. There are no problems at the gym. It's all about focusing on what you're doing right then and improving on it. I feel normal and less like an emotional wreck. I hit real hard when I'm mad. Scary hard.

On Friday night I went to the cage fights at the Deseret Peak Complex in Tooele. Three guys from Absolute were on the fight card. Five were supposed to fight, but Brad's opponent backed out, and Steve got a staph infection and couldn't get doctors clearance. Tragic. Our guys did real well. Dave won his fight by knockout. He got his opponent with a crazy kick to the head. He went two rounds. Shawn won his fight in the first round. I forget how he won it though. It was either by technical knockout or throwing in the towel. Our other guy (I forget his name because it's one of those confusing Polynesian names) lost in the first round. He fights in the Ultra Heavyweight division. The guy weighs 350 lbs. He did well while he was standing, but when he was taken down he was choked out.

This really is an exciting sport. This is the first time I've been back to the fights since I saw The Boss fight last August. I'm finally understanding what I'm watching. I can see what the fighters need to do. I'm recognizing what they're doing and what their fighting styles are. I'm loving this! It's not brutal. It's sport!

I have a roommate for 6 weeks. This is Victoria Rath.

We were friends a few years ago at Weber State while doing our undergrad work. She's been at graduate school in Florida the past couple of years. She's doing an internship at a physical therapy clinic in Sandy. It's been really fun to have her around. We don't see each other too often, but when we do we make the most of it.
So there you have it. A slight update on the Life and Times of Vanessa The Scientist.

It's Official

How do I look? Like a fighter? Yeah! Now I just need some skills. Camrann took these pictures Friday night. At the end of the night. After I'd been training for three hours. That explains why I look like road-kill. In case you were wondering.
I think this is something that I will really stick with. I seems that the trend in my life has been to do something until I get proficient, but never really great. I'm sort of a Jack of all trades. This is something that doesn't seem to get boring. I'm always learning different things. I'm constantly challenged in different ways. It's really keeping my attention. And that's hard to do. Not like that's a suprise to anyone. I'm just a restless person. I was experiencing an ultra restless point when I started doing martial arts. This seemed to settle that feeling down a bit. I think I'll be ok for a while.

When I Was A Discipline Problem...

I didn't mean to be disobedient or to have no respect for authority. My heart wasn't mean. I was just too playful for my own good. Like the time I stuffed the tiny rubber tires from Lego sets down my youngest brother's diaper, freaking my mom out because she thought her 10 month old was swallowing them. I knew that she went nuts when she found them in his poo, but I thought it was hilarious and kept it up for a long time. When I was sent to my room for bad behavior I would pretend that that's really where I wanted to be, which would frustrate my mom because she was trying to punish me. Then she's banish me to the bathroom where she was sure I wouldn't have any fun. There I would decorate with toothpaste or wallpaper the walls with toilet paper. I thought it was so funny. She tried to think of the most creative ways to discipline me, but I always found a way around it. She thought she could win in the end. She cursed me with ten daughters just like me. But even then I found a way around it. I'm still single.

This was a 5 minute writing exercise from the Writers Guild meeting last Thursday.

The Kite Runner

I finished a book called The Kite Runner today. You must read it. It's excruciating at times, yet so beautiful. This is an author that can pull your fears and insecurities to the surface of your mind. I felt so aware of myself and my emotions through the whole book. I was bawling at certain parts and had to put it down in order to collect myself. This book is raw and vivid. It's so perfectly descriptive that you can feel exactly what is going on. Sometimes I would get so worked up by what I read that I had a hard time falling asleep at night. I'm very excited about the movie coming out. If it's anything like the book, it's going to be amazing. Anyone want to borrow it?
I started a new book already. It's called Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Safran Foer. I've only read about 9 pages so far and it already looks very promising. It's a book with some dark humor. Right up my alley. The same author wrote Everything Is Illuminated. I haven't read it, but I've seen the movie and really enjoyed it. I'll let you know how this one is.

The Week In Review

1. I watched Miracle and was reminded of why I love hockey so much. "Do you believe in miracles?!" Why yes, yes I do. I also love the hearing the Boston accent that the BU players have. I do realize that it sounds strange and rather uneducated, but it's home.
2. I purchased a new winter purse. With the weather changing, it was time to put away the adorable canvas tote dotted with summertime tulips. I opted for this simple, classic hobo bag with individual compartments to make finding the cell phone, lip gloss, keys, etc...easier. Well, the organizational efforts of this purse doesn't do a thing in helping me reach my cell phone before it goes to voicemail. I think it's just my personal curse. I will never answer my cell phone in time. So the two call rule still applies. If I don't answer the first time, call again. I'll still be rummaging around my purse.
3. It is warmer outside than in my house. For some reason the heater will not turn on. I did check that panel thingy on my, uhm....furnace? Is that what it's called? Yeah, that thing. I'm not really sure what I was looking for but the landlord said to check. So I checked. Looks normal to me. So then my landlord said he was going to send a maintenance man over to check it out. I left work early on Friday to be here when he arrived. Never showed. I talked to the landlord again and he said that he was going to come over on Saturday morning and see what the problem was. I went to the gym for a few hours and was anticipating coming home to a nice warm house. Nope. No such luck. I don't think he ever came. So I'm sitting here wrapped in my Batman blanket with just my fingers poking out, typing this blog. Some of the effects of having a freezing house are... A) not being able to get out of bed in the morning. The temperature of the air inside of the covers is 800 times more appealing that the temperature outside of the covers. I just lay there thinking about how the bathroom is something like 5 miles away and how I'm going to have to stand there shivering for a couple minutes waiting for the water in the shower to heat up. I am constantly late to work because it's impossible to face the cold. I know it's there waiting for me like a kick in the chucks and I just can't handle it. B) When I have a minute to myself to get things done around my house, nothing gets done because I tell myself that I'm just going to warm up under my covers for 5 minutes and then I'll be ready to be productive. Who am I kidding?! Seriously, I do this to myself almost everyday. And everyday I think that this is the day that I have enough willpower to not stay in bed when the 5 minutes is up. So my dishes are still dirty, my laundry still sits in heaping mounds on the floor, and I'm starting a dust farm. But I have read alot of books. C) The length of my shower has increased significantly. I do understand the importance of conserving water, but I just can't seem to bring myself to get out of the steamy confines of my shower. If I finally get over one obstacle, I will inevitably face another one. One that is larger than the first. But once I'm out of the shower it's all business from there. There is no dinking around my house wondering what I should wear. The first thing in my hand is the item that will drape my body for the rest of the day.
4. I know you all were waiting for me to give you an update on what I've been learning at Absolute MMA. I put it a little farther down on the list to tease you. This week was awesome. For some reason the turnout at the gym was really low. Only about 4 or 5 people were showing up for the workouts. It was great because I got a ton of personal attention. I did Thai Boxing 5 times this week. My kicks are getting better. My high kick is looking alright. I'm having alot of trouble with the slight differences between the rib kick and the kick to the diaphragm. I stopped anchoring my lead foot and have really learned where my balance should be when I'm kicking and getting back into my fight stance. I also had trouble leading with my hips and I'm finally getting that somewhat down. It's amazing how much more power you have when you incorporate all the little things and do it right. I did Jiu Jitsu 4 times this week. I jacked up my arm a little bit on Friday night, so I just watched and learned on Saturday morning. This week we did a progression of moves. It went from you having someone in your guard to mission control, zombie, chill dog, kung fu move, jiu claw, and then the submission move where you can break their arm. But I forgot the name of that one. It sounded foreign and I can't ever remember those ones. I kind of wonder if those names are made up by our gym. They don't seem like names that the Brazilians would have thought up. I also learned a pretty awesome sweep and another arm bar for when your opponent counters your sweep attempt. I can't tell you how sweet this stuff is. I just wish I could do it when I'm rolling with someone. I feel like I'm just spastic and am just trying to counter the other persons attempts to submit me. I can't wait for the day when I can really recognize opportunities to use what I've learned when I'm rolling. It's only been a couple of weeks so I just need to be more patient. My instructor really believes in me, so I'm just going to have to go and get more mat time.
5. I love October! I love the MLB playoffs. I love an exciting series. It's nail-biting when it involves your favorite team, but still awesome. The Red Sox have come from behind to push a game 7 in the ALCS. I'm convinced that the reason they have been winning is because I've been watching the games. I watched last Friday night when they won, and then wasn't able to watch the next 3 games. Mainly because my commitment to my training is intense and I don't own a TV. But I watched game 5 and 6. I didn't get in front of a TV until the bottom on the 1st inning of game 6. It was when the bases were loaded and there were two outs. I saw J.D. Drew get up to the plate and groaned internally. I was cursing his name all during the regular season. He certainly wasn't a clutch player in my book. But I said a prayer in my heart that he would please just get one person in. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving all those men stranded on base. I was channeling my Jedi powers into him and he belted that ball right out of the park! GRAND SLAM!!! All because I was watching the game. And using my Jedi powers.
6. I think I'm finally kicking my Diet Coke habit. I don't feel the desperate need to have that explosion of carbonation down my throat. I only had one can of the sweet nectar this week. Who knew it would be that easy? I amaze myself sometimes.
7. Move over blue shirt! Boss came into work wearing a textured khaki dress shirt and tie this week. So blasted hot! I don't know when it happened, but he has become the most attractive man that I have ever met. Sometimes I want to put him in one of those choke holds I've been learning, but 99% of the time he is just wicked cool. I wish that I knew him better. When we're at work we talk about work stuff. When we're outside of work we talk about our business. I wish we could have time to just talk about nothing. I love the stories he tells me occasionally. It makes my day when he opens up a little. I know he's an incredible person. I don't want to force him to open up, but he won't volunteer information either. I hope someday that changes. It's hard to commit to liking him because I don't know him on a personal level. But then I get scared about not liking him because I'm afraid that I'd be letting this amazing person slip away from me. I can't explain it. I doesn't even make sense to me.
8. I received some interesting bruises this week. One looks like a boxing glove. Fitting. Another looks like the profile of a toilet. I have a kitten, a flip flop, and a summer squash on my left arm. My right arm has a pancake syrup bottle and a star.
9. I've been listening to The Royal Tenenbaums soundtrack this whole week and now want to watch it again. I saw it with my older brother Mark, on Thanksgiving of 2002. We both loved it and immediately went out and bought the soundtrack. I miss Mark. I kind of want to cry thinking about how much I miss him. Christmas can't come soon enough.
10. I'm so excited about the snow! Seeing the mountains tops covered makes me itch to get on my board. Sweet Action needs to see some action! She's been hidden in the basement all summer. Seabiscuit was loaned out last year and hasn't been returned. I need to get him back.
11. I got hit on at Chili's last night. It's amazing how well I can come up with excuses not to give someone my number. And it sounds real, even though I'm lying my guts out. I don't believe in dishonesty, but in these cases I think it's alright. But I thought about how easy it has become to shake a guy. I don't hesitate at all anymore to tell a guy that I'm taken. Oh! The guy last night persisted in asking for my number even though I told him that I was seeing someone! What, did he think I was lying or something?

Ok, I think that's all I got for now. I need to rush over to my brother's house to catch Game 7! Thanks for your time.

Taking It Like A Man!

I think people are starting to wonder about me. I have the best bruises all over my arms and shoulders from Jiu Jitsu. I've been rolling almost everyday. There are distinct handprints all over my upper arms. A guy at work today took me aside and seriously asked me if someone was hurting me. He was genuinely concerned. It was kind of sweet but also kind of weird. He told me that he could take care of whoever it was. All I had to do was give him the name. I couldn't tell if he was serious or not. I hope not. In any case, I think I need to start wearing long sleeves.
I know that my last few posts have been about the whole MMA thing, but I've just been so excited about what I've been learning. I've been learning so much in such a short amount of time. I love knowing that I'm capable of doing alot of the moves. I love going to a place where my height and strength is valued. Sometimes it's hard to be a woman and 6 feet tall. I've always felt that society values the small, slender woman much more than a tall, strong woman. But when I step into that gym those things become an asset. The instructors really teach me how to use what I have and how my height can be a great advantage.
I didn't know this until last week, but Absolute MMA has a fighter that fights in the UFC. His name is Josh Burkman. I guess I didn't understand what a big deal he is until I heard that reporters and such were coming to the gym. He's a huge deal. And he's very talented. And super nice. He's got an ego, but he's pretty careful about where it comes out. I like him. He's really driven to be the best fighter that he can be. I like watching that. He trains very seriously. It motivates me to push myself to myself past the hurt. And it hurts.
I'm really glad that I fell into this. I would've never in a million years predicted that I would be so interested in MMA training. And now I can't stop thinking about it.

More on Building Bombs

OK, I know that you guys are sick of hearing about this the martial arts gym, but it's so incredible! That's all that's been on my mind lately. I feel so awesome. I was there for over three hours today. I've been learning so much. And actually retaining it! I've been trying to go most days. I missed Friday because I pulled a muscle in my leg the day before. My inner thigh was killing! But the pain is worth it. I was practicing Jiu-Jitsu on a pretty large guy. He just wanted me to go for it. I think I hurt myself way more than I hurt him. My main focus was to make sure that I kept him under me the whole time. I was taught some arm bars, a move called the Camorah, defense to your guard, and had alot of practice trying to get out from underneath someone. It was unreal. The Thai Boxing is also going very well. I'm improving everyday. I feel stronger and quicker in my movements. I'm having a hard time kicking correctly. I'm too heavy on my feet and can't get the pivot right. I anchor my foot too much. It's really frustrating me. I think MMA is a seriously misunderstood sport. There is so much skill and dedication involved in being as good these serious fighters get. I see the the big time fighters in the gym everyday. They get there before I do and leave only when the gym closes. The other thing that impresses me about these guys is that even though they don't look like the kind of people that you'd normally see me buddies with, they're so respectful and kind. They are encouraging and really want to help me improve. They don't mind pairing up with me. They know that I try my absolute hardest and am very focused. They respect that. They want to see me reach my goals. Knowing that helps me work harder. I'm just wondering if my body will ever feel normal again. I'm constantly sore! I have bruises everywhere. I have major mat burn on my knees that don't seem to heal. I keep having to remind myself that it's all for the cause. Six pack by Christmas!

Building Some Bombs

I feel wrecked. This MMA gym is kicking my *#@! But it's nice to know that I have some power behind these seemingly weak arms. I'm pretty sure that I look a lot like a tyrannosaurus rex. I have a strong lower body and tiny little weakling arms. But in the time that I've been doing this, my deltoids and biceps are looking pretty sweet. Well, maybe not sweet, but better. I've got alot of work to do to get where I want to be. But the great part is that I've already lost 6 lbs since I've started! By Christmas I want to look my best ever. Totally hard. I can do this! I'm extremely determined. My goal is to run in the mornings and then train at the MMA gym at night. I've been exceptionally tired and sore lately and therefore a little irritable. Sorry guys. I'll work on that.

On another note, I might have to start thinking about getting a tattoo. All the guys at the gym have tattoos. And it's not just one, it's like a MILLION! All up their arms, and across their chest. On their shoulder blades and calves. It's crazy. There were two girls there tonight and even they had tattoos. Maybe not as many, but still a copious amount. I think that I'm the only tat free person there. And the funniest part is that they aren't even cool or hardcore tattoos. One guy had a big crow on his back. A crow? So I've been totally thinking about what kind of tattoo I should get. I saw a movie once where these two brothers had "truth" and "justice" written in Latin across their their trigger fingers. Maybe I could get that on my forearms so that my opponent can read it as my fists are coming at their face. Wow, that sentence was brutal. I'm getting all aggressive just writing this. Anyway, if you have any ideas, let me know. Maybe I'll consider it.

I Heart Post Season Play

I've been watching some good baseball all year. My team was leading the American League East division the entire season. They secured their spot in the playoffs, and having been making me so proud! Wednesday night was their first game, which they won 4-0. Josh Beckett was on the mound. He lead the MLB in wins this year with 20. And the playoffs is where he throws his best. He did not disappoint. Friday night was game 2. Tyler and I went to a sports bar, ate hamburgers, and watched the victory. What a great night. It was a little touch and go there for a while. It was tied up in the fifth inning and remained that way until the ninth. Jonathon Papelbon was put in as our closer and I knew we were safe. He always gets the win. Such a talented pitcher. We get the last at-bat. This is the scenario: Bottom of the ninth. Two outs and two men on base. Manny comes up to bat. He takes a couple pitches and then launches one into left field for a three run homer! Oh man, that was the sexiest thing! There's nothing better than seeing a walk-off homer when you're getting all anxious and agitated. I was afraid that the game was going to go into extra innings. Manny came through in the clutch, once again. I probably embarrassed Tyler pretty bad. I was a bit excited. So then today is game 3, and if they win this one they win the Division Series and go on to the AL Championship Series. I knew they would get the sweep. The Red Sox are just that awesome. There was a test of my faith though. The game started at 1:00 and General Conference started at 2:00. I was severely tempted to just watch the game. A bunch of the guys were going back to the sports bar. I didn't realize that the Red Sox had suddenly become such a priority in my life. I mean I was torn between watching them and hearing the words of the prophet! Yikes! I'm so glad that I watched Conference. It was incredible, enlightening, and everything that my little heart needed to hear. I also felt more worthy implore Heavenly Father to make sure he blessed my team. I think he listened. Wait! I know he listened. The Red Sox won. They're going to get into the World Series. I'm so sure of it. I pray for each of those players by name. Now I just have to wait for the Indians to beat the Yankees, and then my Red Sox are going to take those Indians DOWN!!! Pray for them.

Thursday Night's Alright For Fighting

I went to a MMA gym tonight (that's mixed martial arts for those not in the know). A guy at work, Zach, asked me if I wanted to go to his gym with him to do a little kickboxing. I thought it wouldn't hurt to check it out. Oh, it hurts. It hurts big time! Two and a half hours later, I crawled out. I can't imagine how I'm sore I'm going to be tomorrow.
We started out with kickboxing and then I learned some beginning Jiu Jitsu. I practiced with a woman named Rebbecca who has been training for quite a while. I most likely weighed 40 lbs more than her but she could really hold me down. It was pretty awesome. She was really patient with me and very encouraging. We practiced on each other for about an hour. It felt amazing when I finally got a move down. Everyone there knew I was an amateur but didn't treat me like one. Everyone wanted to know my name and whether or not I was coming back. I think I could really get into this. It might be just what I need to achieve my fitness goals. I desperately want to be lean and strong and healthy. I'm not running the marathon anymore (I know-I'm one week away!), but I'm hobbling after about mile 18 on my long runs. I really wouldn't be able to finish. I can reserve my spot for next year though. I'm really going to work on strengthening my hip so that I'd be able to push through the long runs. But for now I need something else to train for. This might be the ticket. It's something that interests me and I'd be paying alot of money for it, which would ensure my attendance. And don't worry, I'm not actually going to fight anybody. I just want to train like I am. I know there were some concerns. Put your fears aside. I'm too tender-hearted.

My Love For Pearl Jam

I remember how it started. It was the year 1992 and I just began my freshman year at Hudson High School. I had a big, fat crush on Mark Rondina who was a year older than me. Oh my gosh! He was so dreamy! I was walking behind him one day and he had on a shirt that said, "9 out of 10 kids prefer crayons to guns". I thought this was a nice statement and told him that I liked his shirt. I didn't realize that it was associated with Pearl Jam. He smiled and started talking about how much he liked Pearl Jam and how he thought it was cool that I did too. I totally pretended to know what he was talking about. I just wanted a reason to talk to him. So yeah, I immediately went out and got the album Ten, so that next time I could be in the know. Well, turns out that they were actually wicked good. I genuinely loved their music. I thought Eddie Vedder had the all time sexiest voice. My favorite song ended up being Yellow Ledbetter. You can't understand a single word he's saying, but you can feel his angst. I listened to the band through the 90's, then it sort of died down for a while. But recently, at work, I've been listening to KBER 101.1 (Utah's only rock station) and my love for Yellow Ledbetter, and Pearl Jam in general, has been resurrected. I'm convinced that I will fall desperately in love with the first man that can play me Yellow Ledbetter on the guitar and sing like Eddie Vedder.

How Did I Get Here?

There's been alot on my my mind the past week or so. I guess I've been wondering how I got so far away. Far away from what I know is right and how my commitment to those things has changed. I remember being someone that would serve no matter how inconvenient it was. I remember waking up early and reading the scriptures because I wanted to think about what I had learned all day. Back then prayer seemed very natural. I was excited about building a better relationship with my Heavenly Father. I was always at church activities and really made it a priority to do the best I could in the callings I was given. I remember being very happy.

Things have changed quite a bit and I'm having a hard time pin-pointing how it happened. I guess I just became lazy in one thing. That thing became another, and then none of it seemed as important and didn't hold the same value that it once did. Some things in my life didn't go exactly as I hoped they would and I suffered some heartache. I'm sure that I placed the blame and anger on God rather than looking at the situations and experiences as something that would make me stronger in the end.

The sad part is that I realize things need to change in my life but making those steps is so hard. Why did it seem so easy previously? It was just naturally part of my life. Now, intense effort is needed and I'm not getting the same results. I'll be honest, sometimes it gets really unmotivating to continue to make progress. My head tells me that the end result is not worth the effort to get there. But I know it is. It's got to be.

Bottom line is that I love the gospel. I know what's good, and right, and true. Bottom line is that I won't turn my back on that, and that's why the fight to get happy again is on. Watch me.

Maybe Next Time You Could Come Over

Today I woke up because of an early morning phone call. I did try to go back to sleep, but sleep wasn't taking over. So instead of just laying in bed mulling over random thoughts, I decided to make breakfast. This consisted of multi-grain pancakes and some succulent honeydew melon. I sat outside on the steps, ate my pancakes and played my guitar. I'm thinking that I should spend my Sunday mornings like this a little more frequently. Anyone want to come over next week?

About Super

Yes, this spotlight is going to be about my wonderfully resilient fish, Super. I rescued him and 3 of his pals from a wedding table centerpiece five years ago. I don't enjoy pets, but my tender little heart couldn't stand the thought of all these fish being flushed alive. I had to do something. I took them home and bought them a large glass bowl. I didn't realize that the proper protocol for putting fish in a fish bowl is that there should be one gallon of water to every fish. I think I bought a one gallon bowl for all 4. My bad. I named them Super, Duper, Frick, and Fly. And yes, I could tell them apart. They had very distinctive markings. I pay attention to those things. I remember coming home each day from school and wondering when I was going to find one, or all four, belly up. I mean, these were ten cent goldfish from Petsmart. I'm sure they weren't the highest quality of goldfish ever produced. As a kid, I recall winning my share of these fish at various carnival events and they wouldn't even last the night. Days turned into weeks, and weeks into months. Those months became a year, and those fish were still kicking. All 4 of them! I must say that I was a very attentive caretaker at the time. I fed them at the same time everyday. I also blew oxygen into their bowl through a straw daily so as not to get stagnant water. I changed their water frequently. I even switched out their bowl decorations every now and then to eliminate the depression that inevitably comes when things stay the same for too long. But after that first year, they started to die off, and in an order where the name still made sense. Duper was the first to croak. Super Frick and Fly were left. Then Frick kicked the bucket. He was survived by Super Fly. Super and Fly were together for quite a while. At that point I decided to invest in a fish tank. They earned it. Their longevity amazed me. Fly died about two years ago, leaving Super by himself. The tragic part is that he got too weak to swim and was sucked up into the filter. I remember coming in that night after hanging out with "The Blondes" and not being able to find him. I finally saw him with half his body inside the filter and the other half just swinging limply out. My tender little heart! I had a real hard time seeing him that way. I called Natalie (it was 1 am) who immediately came over and pried his body from the filter. She understood the delicacy of the situation and told me that I should probably leave the room while she did the extraction. I agreed. That's a true friend right there. We had a little memorial service near the toilet and then the ceremonial flushing. We did go to the store the next day to try and find the surviving Super some new tank mates. We picked out two winners. I named them Boom-Boom (after Tony Hawk's Boom Boom Huck Jam tour) and Ya-Ya (after the kid in The Sandlot). They didnt last the week. But it was ok. I didn't have enough time to get attached to them. I still have Super. I feel a little guilty because I haven't been taking very good care of him lately. I left for Girl's Camp without asking a neighbor to come over and feed him. How could I have forgotten that? I came back and he was swimming sideways. He bounced back pretty quick. One month I forgot to change his filter (I do it on the first of each month) and his water started to turn cloudy and brown. It didn't effect him. He's so incredibly resilient. I conditioned him to come to the top of the tank whenever I turn on his tank light. The only time I turn on that light is when I feed him. He knows. And he comes and gets it. Sometimes I tease him and just turn on the light for kicks and giggles. I should probably stop that though. I don't want him to develop trust issues with me.
He's a good pal. Come over and meet him if you haven't already. You just might get smitten. I know I am.

Uhm, What I'm Trying to Say Is...

Wouldn't you know it. I have car trouble again. I mean, you would think that the '91 Volvo station wagon would be in prime condition. It's not that old! The awesome thing is that I diagnosed the problem myself--broken fuel pump and assembly. The AAA tow guy was impressed. I ended up being right too! But that is beside the point. I needed a ride to work, and my favorite man rose to the occassion. I choose to tell myself that it wasn't becuase all the work falls on him if I'm not there, but because he couldn't go another day without seeing me. I know that it's the latter. I just know it! But that is also beside the point. The point is...oh wait, I'm not sure this had a point. I ate a hamburger tonight. I also waxed my eyebrows.

About Paul

I am in awe of my dad, Paul. I was laying in bed yesterday morning thinking about nothing in particular, and then my thoughts turned to my family. We are all so different, and when you put us all together it creates the most amazing dynamic. I want to focus on my dad. My dad is very intimidating, if you don't know him. Once you talk to him, he's a giant kitten. He's always been involved in automotives. His father owned a automotive repair shop, and he basically grew up there. He was repairing cars when he was very young. He even had a stint as a race car driver. He fought in Vietnam as a Navy Seabee. The only time I've ever seen my dad cry was in Washington DC when he was looking at names on the Vietnam memorial. Even then, it was subtle. When he came back from Vietnam he went back to racing. He was racing alot on Sunday. He started thinking that there was probably something better to do than racing on that day. He started going to church. He served in the Hamburg, Germany mission when he was 24. He met my mom there. The Mission President asked him to write her as a "retention project" since she was a very new convert. He sure retained her. Once he was married, he started his own business. He bought a franchise or two of "Snap-On-Tools"-the best tools in the world. American made and of the highest quality. Dad is very patriotic. He'd do anything for his country. He supports it in every way. He specifically looks for products that are American made, keeping money in this country. He does like European cars though. Volvo's especially. It's all about quality. He worked hard for our family. We rarely saw him. He was up early and came home late. He even worked on weekends. Occasionally he would show up to our Little-League baseball games. That was a real treat for us. He sponsored our teams as well. Sometimes on Saturdays, he would take a break from working on his truck and play catch with us. I loved those times.

Growing up, I didn't really appreciate my dad. I didn't understand his way of showing that he cared about me. I was the only girl among three brothers. My dad is a man's-man. He didn't really know how to relate to me. I remember thinking that he wasn't a very good dad. He was never there for me. And when I tried to talk to him, he just didn't get me. He was all business with me. Of course I was young and immature at the time, and you don't really understand why your dad isn't like the dad down the street that brings flowers to his young daughter and tell her that he loves her on a daily basis. "I love you" was only said on birthdays. He just was never there!

But now I understand my dad. I'm mature enough to see that he has intense love for me and my brothers. He might be rough in his voice, but the love is there. I realize that he shows his love through what he does, such as supporting our family, making sure we were all well fed and clothed. He made sure that we had music lessons, and were involved in sports and the arts. He made sure that we all had an opportunity for a college education. He made sure that we had vehicles to drive. He encouraged and supported my three brothers and I on missions. Recently, I have really needed his advice on certain things in my life, and have really appreciated his fix-it attitude, and the fact that he just wants to get something done about it. I've needed that. Now, to me, he's the most amazing dad a person could have. When I was laying in bed, thinking about him, tears started welling up in my eyes. I was overwhelmed with love for him. He has taught me well. He has greatly contributed to the person that I am. Now that I'm 29, I don't really need a dad as much I did when I was younger. So he's there as a great friend.

I want to share a good story about how cool my dad is. Matt Eyring (Elder Henry B. Eyring's son) was in my ward in Massachussetts a couple a years ago. He was talking to my mom telling her how awesome my dad was. And then he said, "I wish I had a dad like that". No lie! True story! That's MY dad!

I Want You

I am a huge Will Farrell fan. He is a comedic genius. When I think of the opening scene in Blades of Glory, with him skating to The Stroke by Billy Squier, I laugh right out loud. It doesn't matter where I'm at. And now I'm pleasantly suprised that he can act in slightly more serious roles. I watched Stranger Than Fiction the other day. What a brilliant movie. It was creative, smart, and new. And Will Farrell was absolutely perfect. I love, LOVE, when Harold brings Anna the "flours". That scene was perfect in every way. When he said, "I want you", I melted into a little puddle. How would that be?! Someone interested in you tells you exactly what they want, but in the sweetest most vulnerable way. He had nothing to lose. I truly am sick of the guessing games with men. I'm tired of wondering what they're thinking. I want someone that knows what they want. I'll give the green light, and then they'd just best go for it. Put your heart out on the line guys! A little courage, please! I promise to be gentle.