I'm Still Mad At My Mother

Sorry. I may have built it up to be better than it is, but here you go...
I was a stupid pilgrim. A pilgrim! Let it be known that I'm not the one that picked my Halloween costume each year. I was forced to wear whatever my mom chose to sew if I wanted free candy, most of what "magically" disappeared once it reached my parents hands. I swear it was extortion.

I hated my 1985 costume. My older brother was a wizard, complete with long white beard. One of my younger brothers was a cool leopard, and the youngest was an adorable little pumpkin. Why did I have to be a pilgrim, you ask? Well, mom thought it would be so cute for me to use the costume a second time that year and serve Thanksgiving dinner in it. Oh man. Please take a minute to picture the look on my face as I brought out a turkey and mashed potatoes to the rest of the family in the hated pilgrim outfit. It wasn't pretty.

I clearly remember having to pose for this picture. Mom was behind the photographer threatening me with every possible punishment if I didn't smile. So I mustered this "Fine I'm going to half-heartedly smile, but I'm only doing this so bars don't go on my bedroom windows and food doesn't come in through a little cutout hole in the bottom of the door" grimace. I just wanted to be a Jedi Knight every Halloween. Still do.

A Giggle For Your Day

You know what I don't like about this picture? It's that I look exactly the same as I did 30 years ago. You can't argue that it isn't absolutely Vanessa.
If you beg real hard, tomorrow I'll post an Olan Mills picture of me in 1985 wearing my least favorite Halloween costume of all time.

And On To A Better Day

I woke up this morning, got ready for church, walked out to my car and nearly barfed from an overwhelming skunk smell. It must have recently unloaded. Holy massive reekage, Batman! I then realized that I left my car windows down last night and I wouldn't have been surprised if you told me that you saw him climb into my car and then lift his tail. It was beyond awful.

I then went to church and was asked to substitute for the CTR class. I hardly make it to Young Women's anymore because Primary is constantly asking me to fill in. The lesson was on being obedient. I don't think the lesson hit home for these 8 year olds. I'd venture to say that it had the opposite effect. I felt like I was teaching circus animals. Oh, and did I mention that there were 9 of them? No? Yes, NINE. How in the hell are you supposed to teach nine 8 year olds? You don't. You feed them fruit snacks and order them to hop on one foot until they keel over from exhaustion. And the best part of the class was when one of them suddenly got a bloody nose from hopping on one foot for so long. His nose became a faucet of blood. I've never seen so much blood gush from a nose before. Ack! It was all over his shirt and all over his scriptures and his hands and the chair. I was going to hurl. That horrible metallic smell was making me so nauseous. I don't ever remember reacting that way to blood. I was dry-heaving just looking at him. So I took him to the bathroom and asked the other kids to sit tight for a sec. When I came back a couple of the boys were "finger-painting" with the blood on the chair. Whaaaaat! I started dry heaving again and took the other boys to the bathroom while explaining to them what blood-borne pathogens were. They were pretty interested in that discussion. Fakeout. They weren't interested at all. What they were interested in was trying to touch me with the bloody hands and laughing hysterically when I freaked out everytime a chubby little bloody finger came near me. I'm starting to heave a little just thinking about the whole situation.

I managed to make it through sacrament meeting without any incident. I then went out to my car and was again overwhelmed with residual skunk smell. I got home and as I was putting my key in the door, I got a whiff of some raw chicken trimmings that have been incubating in the garbage can outside the back door for a couple of days. That was the last straw. I hurled right there near the back door. Lovely Sunday story, no?

What I've Always Wanted to Know But Never Knew That I Wanted to Know It

Thank you Brenna, for doing Super's family history work. He was recently complaining that he felt like he was going to go to hell because of his lack of effort to research his ancestry. It's just that he didn't even know where to begin. This article that you dug up gave him the jumping off platform that he needed to really get down to work and redeem his soul.

Brenna! Thanks for helping me fulfil an important duty here on this earth.

I never would've thought that he was Asian. His coloring just wouldn't suggest that.

Anyway Brenna, if he dies because he has completed his earthly mission I will not be happy with you. I'm just not ready to let go. But it might be a bit easier knowing that he descended from carp. I expected a more noble blood line...such as mine. But whatever.

Ok, so that article was hilarious. I'm a big fan of informative AND funny. And I take a sample of Super's water to work every week and test the pH with the perfectly calibrated pH meter. That must be a factor to his longevity. Super owes me.

To The Ends of The World And Back

Hello readership! It's nice to know that I was missed. Your pleading texts, emails, and comments made me feel like I was really making a difference in your lives with this blog. I knew it would come to that. I just needed to persist.

So no, the neck fungus did not spread over my whole body until I became one massive, walking fungal infection and the inspiration for the nemesis in the next Spiderman movie. In fact, there is no trace of the nasty fungus whatsoever. The soon-to-be Dr. Dayton recommended some Vagisil. I, uh, didn't take his advice. I went with Lamisil instead.

What did happen is that I had a galactic encounter with some Storm Troopers (see evidence below) and they held me in detention block #2187 until Han and Luke came and rescued me. Man, it was intense. Especially the part where Han had to lie his can off about the "weapons malfunction" and the "reactor leak." I knew that those Imperial Guards wouldn't buy it, but he went ahead with it anyway. That's so Han. You can't reason with him.

Fine, so the Storm Trooper story wasn't real, even though I have lived it out in my fantasy so many times that it does seem pretty legit. What really happened is that I went and saw Tropic Thunder on Friday night and imagine my excitement when I walked up to the theater and saw an array of Storm Troopers, Anakin, and even Darth Vader just hanging out! I felt like a little kid that found out that they won the Toys 'R Us Sweepstakes. (Remember that contest where you would have 5 minutes to run around the store and get anything that you want? My brothers and I had our routes mapped out for optimal loot grabbing efficiency in case we ever won. We didn't.) I really, REALLY wanted to have my picture taken with Darth but I was with some people from work that I never have hung out with before (the popular crowd) and didn't want them to think that I was the biggest dork in all of Salt Lake County. But I regret it now because I'm sure that they are going to figure that out eventually so why not get it out of the way immediately. Man, I'm totally mad at myself about that. Talk about leaving something on the table! ARGH.

No, I didn't go into horrible depression after the whole awful birthday fiasco (as some have wondered because of my blogging hiatus). My sanity was recovered with a wicked awesome BBQ at Blake's house the week after. The view from Blake's new house is unreal! Too bad he didn't have this place we were hanging out everyday back in college. It's pretty much the sweetest bachelor pad in the whole bachelor kingdom.

So all you single lady lurkers out there...Blake is an attractive, smart, successful 34 year old with an incredible house that includes an incredible view. And he has a puppy! Do you like what you see here...

He's a winner. Bit of a smart-ass, but a winner.

You're welcome for the plug, Blake.

Jessi, Shanna, and Katie...I love this picture because you look like little celestial angels in white and then there is a looming devil in the center, wearing her telestial shirt. You all shine with the glory of the sun. Very nice. I do take comfort in the knowing that I do not look like I should be holding a cake with the number 30 on it. No way, man.

Hmm, there should be a few more blondes in that picture though.

Anyway, thanks Blake and Shanna for putting together that fantastic BBQ! It was nice to have a bunch of us together again. That doesn't happen frequently enough.

So the real reason for the lack of blogging is that I just wanted to take a break from the internet for a while. That's all. But I'm back...in black.

Oh yeah, and I totally rocked the side ponytail today! Who doesn't wanna be me?!

Therapy

Does waiting 3 hours in line at the DMV-Driver's License Division make you want to punch through a wall? Me too. What about having to do that three days in a row because no one there can give you a clear answer on what exactly you need to do to get a Utah driver's license because your Massachusetts one was stolen on your birthday and you thought that typically a passport and a birth certificate would be valid enough evidence that you are actually you but instead you're sent to the social security office to stand in that line for an hour so that they can spend thirty seconds typing up a little letter saying that you have a social security number and then bring it back to the DMV and wait again in line for them to tell you to come back another day so that they can run a driving check through Massachusetts first? I was a fraction of a second away from grabbing the employee that was "helping" me by the shirt and dragging him across the counter while screaming that I was going to smash his face into a jelly! Did a mention that I'm severely menstrual? I am.

One of my running partners is a 15 year old boy. We talk about everything. Coolest kid. A bit of a punk too. He had a solution to my woes.
Nothing beats hiding in the bushes along the side of the road and hurling water balloons at passing cars to clear your head. Nothing! The guy is a genius.

The World Is Just Awesome

I was going to blog today but then decided against it because I'm super angry and just might get a little belligerent which really wouldn't fare well for anyone. So I went with this little tidbit which put a huge smile on my face. Next goal: get my own show on the Discovery Channel. Lofty, yet AWESOME!

Well Played, Ivan. Well Played.

I received this email at work today from our Metrology manager. Awesome. Check out the link--total time waster.

Vanessa,
It has come to our attention that some people just don’t get parking. (see below) The yellow lines on both sides of a vehicle are to be an equal distance and parallel to the sides of the vehicle that you are trying to park. If there is a yellow line in front of your vehicle, you are supposed to stop so that no part of your vehicle exceeds or passes the forward line. In the case of a vehicle being across the forward line, do not accelerate and try to push the other vehicle back to their side of the line. Try to leave excess room to not only accommodate your entrance and exit, but the entrance and exit of others. For training purposes, please use this online training program:
http://www.hollettgaming.com/games/playgame.aspx?gid=45
I have not sent this as a GP-Everyone because I knew since the BoSox were swept, part of the parking mishap today could be due to driving upset. In the future please try to park and drive courteously or root for a team that doesn’t get swept.
Thank you—Ivan


(Uhm, it was a rough morning)

Heat-Seeking Missiles, Bloodhounds, Foxes, Barracudas...

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap. I'm turning 30 on Friday. I'm supposed to have more accomplished at this point in my life. Crap.

Let's reminisce a bit, shall we.

• I completely finished a Deseret News crossword puzzle by myself, without cheating.
• I learned to play "Talk Dirty to Me" on the guitar. Not Guitar Hero, the real guitar.
• I've maintained the life of a plant the entire year.
• I've received 4 black eyes.
• Learned to cook a delicious red curry dish.
• Put up more decorations in my residence besides the Wayne Gretzky poster.

I am a model of progress.

Kidding aside, I will say that I'm a bit nervous to turn 30. I was at the gym the other day, running in the cardio theater, and Miracle was the movie featured. I often think about that scene with Herb Brooks sitting and talking with his wife at the outdoor rink in Lake Placid, NY. It was the day before the US team was to play the Russians. Herb's wife was telling him that there was no shame in losing. Herb told her that he wasn't afraid of losing, he just wanted his boys to play knowing that they left nothing on the table. Win or lose, it didn't matter. He just wanted them to have no regrets about their performance.

I think I'm leaving alot on the table. And it becomes more apparent just how much you leave on the table as you get older. I do know that I've accomplished alot in my life and feel very proud of the person that I've become. But there's more that I can do and be. I get unsettled very easily. Not in the bad way where you are ungrateful for what you have and just have to have more. But in the way where you know that there's something different and wonderful in store for you and you have to be adventurous and work hard in order to get it.

The other scene in Miracle that really resonated with me is when Herb was talking to Jim Craig (the goal-tender) right before the opening ceremony and Herb told him that he's going to bench him. Jim Craig got all riled up and asked Herb if it's because he didn't take the stupid psychological profile test at the beginning of training camp and offered to take it right then if that's what will enable him to get back on the ice. (Jim Craig didn't take the test when all the rest of his teammates did because he didn't see what taking the dumb test had to do with playing hockey.) Herb said that he wanted to see the guy in the net that wouldn't take the test.

I'm the guy that wouldn't take the test. I'm a pretty headstrong girl. I lost that part of me for a while though, but now it's back and I'm going to use it to clear off the table.

As I'm writing this I'm getting more excited about my 30th year. This blog is good for something!

I’ve Never Before Voted On American Idol

But I will now. Only for the famously talented Shanna Taggert.

Only for you. Good luck, my friend. Sing your heart out. This is your time. It’s YOUR time.

A Tale of Two Things

Resurrected. That word explains the state of the '92 Volvo. It is once again alive and kicking. Everytime I think its time has come for expiry, it surprises me. "FAKEOUT!" Yep, you wily '92. You sure got me that time. Nice to have you back. Sort of.

Want to hear something totally disgusting that I should probably refrain from telling to blogging world in the off chance that there is a lurker somewhere in the void that thinks I'm wicked cool and would want to be friends with me but now would be completely turned of to anything having to do with me because I just spilled the beans about having a fungal infection? Oops. Did I just write that out loud? Ok, so it's true. Remember that rash that I blogged about earlier that everyone thought was a hickey? It's a fungus. Sick, I know. But I guess that's what happens when you're rolling around in man sweat and tangled up in sweaty muscles. Uhm, I'm talking about jujitsu here. Sheesh. I would think it's about time that I wouldn't need to clarify such things.

I wish there was some sort of widget to put on my sidebar to track my fungus' progress. Or it's slow journey toward destruction rather.

An E-Thanks

Hey Shann, thanks for house-sitting with me. Man, that would've been SO incredibly boring without you. You handled that small electrical fire in the upstairs bathroom splendidly. Blake didn't suspect a thing.


Oh, and Hobbs thanks you for taking the blame for the little accident on the living room floor. It's believable because we all know you have a slight problem with holding it. Way to take one for the team.

Seriously, it was so good of you to take time out of your busy schedule to hold down Blake's fort for a while. I know that American Idol auditions are coming up soon and you're going to be a big star! I'm glad that we practiced your paparazzi shots for your impending fame.

I would be a bit camera shy if I were to ever be a starlet.

The best thing I learned that night was that Patrick DOES NOT fit in Polly Pocket's clothes. And apparently Polly has a closet full of clothes from 1982.

I'm pretty proud of myself because for being a person that does not like house pets, I sure let Hobbs slobber and drop dog hair all over me the whole night. I actually kind of liked it. We were total pals!

This does not mean that I have changed my mind about owning an animal of some sort. I am firm on the no pets platform. Let me be clear on that.

Giving You Another Reason

• A sports bra fell out of my pant leg today at work. It was pink. And yes, there were witnesses.


• Way down at the other end of the lab there is a one stall bathroom with a huge full length mirror in it. I was practicing my fight stance and throwing some combinations when someone walked in. I didn't even try to explain it.


• I have this weird rash on my neck and four people asked me if it was a hickey. I should've said yes. But instead I explained the rash. Whaaaaat?!


• I saw this on the way home from work:

Ask me why I thought this was amusing. I'd tell you that I see the potential of what you could do with a truck full of onions. The possibilities had my mind spinning.

• I choked on piece of carrot and was half a second from throwing myself over the back of a chair to give myself the Heimlich. But the overly dramatic coughing and exaggerated choking movements coaxed the carrot to the top of my air passage and now I'm alive to tell the tale.

• I ended my day on the deck of a cafe with Natalie, sharing stories about passing gas publicly (don't worry Durb, I will only mention it on my blog today and then I will never mention it on my blog again) and prodding a beetle with a bobby pin.

The pictures don't really capture the excitement of it all. I posted them to show you how sinewy my arms are becoming. Is sinewy a word?

Things Never Best Left Unsaid

Hey all! Did you miss me? That was kind of a big blogging break for me. I recently received some emails requesting my return to the blogging world. So I'm going to bring you up to speed on what's been happening.

1) I went to Flaming Gorge a week ago with a co-worker and her family. The break away from work was much needed and the trip was very relaxing. There's not too much to report about it. I mostly read on the beach or went boating. I did accidentally show her family my left breast after I did a cliff jump and was climbing back into the boat. My swimsuit just wasn't doing it's job of keeping it all contained. That will make a splendid memory for them to tell around the campfire in years to come.

2) I made it back in time for the fights on Saturday night. I made a mistake on the last post when I told you all that it was at the Salt Palace. It was actually at the South Towne Expo Center. Jeremy Horn's Fight Nights have typically been at the Salt Palace in the past so I made a false assumption.
Cam asked me in the gym yesterday when I was going to write about the fights. I guess I've been giving him some exposure with my blog posts. I'm glad this thing is mildly useful.
I didn't think that these fights were as exciting or good as ones that I've seen in the past. I felt that some of the fights were mismatched or that they weren't at a level of fighting to were it was a good show. I don't remember all too much of what happened because I just don't have good recall on things that are over a week old. I do remember that Cam is an incredible fighter and had the match from the very beginning. His opponent was Lance Gorman who fights out of Jeremy Horn's gym, Elite. Cam landed some perfectly placed leg kicks right away and you could tell that Lance was hurting from those. Lance answered back with a pretty good flying knee. Cam's defense looked tight and didn't get the full effect from it. From there Cam took him to the ground and just landed a ton of strikes. Right before the referee stopped the fight Cam was getting in some "Hulk smashes." Lance was on his stomach and Cam was sitting on top of him landing these double fisted hits to the side of Lance's head and to his body. The fight only lasted about 45 seconds and Cam won the fight by ref stoppage. And that's how he always wins. His fights seem to be short and sweet.
Steve "Razor" came out in his ninja costume and the crowd went wild. He had this black leather Spartan-like skirt on underneath. The guy is a circus clown. People like seeing him fight because he is such a show. He does what he wants and is very memorable because of it. He was up against Shane Brenner who also fights out of Jeremy Horn's gym. This fight didn't last long at all. I guess the story is that Shane recently had an injury and was fighting anyway. Steve got in some nice combinations and then Shane just went down on his own because of the injury. I think most of us were really disappointed about that. I really wanted to see where that fight would go. Well, I knew Steve would definitely take it but I wanted to see how it was done. I hope Steve takes another fight around here again.
Congratulations to Cam and Steve for getting their respective wins! I'm proud to be part of your team!

3) I knew that the time was coming close for my car to break down again. I blew off a date because I was invited to Ben G's (Absolute teammate) house for a BBQ and to watch the fights that were on TV that night. While I was there I got a call from a friend that was having car trouble and went to go help out in her situation. On my way I ended up over-heating, again. Last time it was just a hose that needed to be replaced. This time I think it's more serious and I don't think that I'm going to invest the money to get it repaired. So I guess the '92 Volvo just bit the dust. What a tragic occurrence. I loved that car. And I have no idea how to go about buying a new one. I've always relied on my dad for that sort of thing. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

I have more to blog about, but it's just going to have to wait until tomorrow. This heat is really draining my energy. My bed is screaming my name.

Get A Drink Of Water. It's Fight Time.

My favorite words:

"Get a drink of water. It's fight time!"

I look forward to those eight wonderful words. It's always said after we have drilled for a while. It's then time to put into action what we've been taught.

I worked with Pedro today. We worked on chokes from the mount. He was choking me out like I was robbing his mother. Man, it was awesome.

I want to let those of you that are interested to know that there is a Jeremy Horn Fight Night this Saturday, July 12th, at the Salt Palace at 7:00 pm. My friend, Camrann, is fighting in this show. He's a competitor and I see how he trains. He always trains as if he's fighting the next day. He always stays strong and focused. I can't wait to see him win this.
Steve Sharp is the main event. I love this guy. When I first met him I just thought he was a big knucklehead. But I was wrong, again. He's the nicest guy, has no ego and is so willing to help those that take their training seriously. He's one of the fiercest fighters that I've ever been around. He understands this stuff and explains it to others very well. He's been traveling alot to fight lately and hasn't fought in Utah in a while. You want to come see this. He's puts on a great show too. He comes out in a ninja outfit. Awesome. Here's clip of the "Razor."

I love the signature Razor gesture at the end. Hilarious.

I'm going to be out of town tomorrow through Saturday afternoon. I'll be back in time for the fights. So no new posts until Sunday at the least.

Tagged And Branded

Jenny tagged me with this special tag that I will take very seriously. I forgot about your tag until just today. Sorry for the delay!

10 years ago...I had great ambitions to be a FlyGirl. I even had a routine made up to No Diggity by Blackstreet. I was also head over heels for a stoner named Bruce.

I don't remember him looking so much like a woman.

5 years ago...I finally beat Mike Tyson's Punchout. Yes, I do believe that it was during the glorious summer of 2003.

1 year ago... on this very day I met a man with a handlebar mustache, wearing a rakish derby and we set off dry ice bombs on the beach of Antelope Island.

Yesterday...watched Jumper while a handsome, muscled man made me dinner. And then I had myself some dessert.

A Twix bar! Geez, guys!

5 bad habits...Oh, this is a tough one. Let me think. Hmmm. Nope, nothing. Sorry. Check back at a later date. I'll try to develop some this week.

5 pet peeves...1) being held at gunpoint 2) getting caught on fire while BBQing 3) Swoobs, Swack, Sweavage, and Swits 4) song lyrics with lines such as, "Tasting the milk of your Mother Earth's love." Sick. What does that even mean?! 5) smallpox

5 hobbies...1) watching my forearms getting more sinewy 2) snuggling up with a glass of cider and watching the rain, just as Ron Burgundy does 3) feeding ducks 4) pursuing the American Dream 5) listening to the tick my of biological clock

5 people I'd like to meet...1) My future husband. Where the hell are you? Sheesh. I don't mean to be a nag or anything, but I think you've been incubating long enough and I'm ready for you. 2) Yoda. I'd like to be trained by a real Jedi Master. I'm tired of figuring this out by myself 3) My dad when he was in his twenties. I'm sure that he was the craziest guy and so much fun to be around. He's pulled the rear axle out from a police car before, just like in the movie American Graffiti. 4) Vanessa the Scientist with out knowing that it was me. I wonder what I'd think of myself. 5) Mark Walberg. It would be clear that he's my booty call. I wouldn't be his.

5 things I'd never wear...1) anything that would make people wonder whether or not I was a man or a woman 2) Pants with "JUICY" written across the butt. At least not in public. Or maybe just not to work. No, even then maybe just not to corporate meetings 3) leather pants with the butt cheeks cut out of them, such as the ones The Artist Formerly Known As Prince wore 4) a tutu such as this...

5) or anything resembling this...5 people to tag...Barack Obama, George Michael Bluth, Chuck Liddell, Bugs Bunny, and Brenna. I think everyone else has already done it. If you haven't then I am tagging you. Durbs (the elder and the younger)? Have you been dragged and tagged?

All American Girl

I just witnessed the best fireworks of my entire existence. The Bees lit off fireworks after the game tonight and I wanted to cry because they were just that beautiful. Kidding, I didn't want to cry. Ok, maybe a tiny trickling tear when they lit the finale and set it to the Star Spangled Banner. I felt so grateful for what I was experiencing right then. I was sitting in a baseball stadium (one of my favorite past times) with some of my favorite friends, eating a delicious deli sandwich and enjoying an amazing display of fireworks. I love this country! I want to tell you how I feel about it but it's not something that I can adequately put into words. I have a huge sense of pride for The Land of the Free and humbly respect those that got us where we are today. I enjoy my freedoms and the way I live. I know that I take it for granted most of the time, but I grab onto reminders like tonight where I'm really aware of all that I have and my heart swells with gratitude. I truly am proud to be an American. Play ball!

I've Got To Lay Off The Diet Coke

I recieved the scare of a lifetime today. I was driving home from a farmers market and a Diet Coke can errupted in my car. It was the greatest Coke explosion in recorded history. Simply incredible. The black interior of my car can retain an ample amount of heat and that can was cooked! I hit a slight bump and it just went off. It sounded like a shotgun and I almost drove right off the road. It completely soaked me and the entire interior of the car. Soaked!


I sat there completely baffled for a few seconds and then just started cracking up. I couldn't wait to tell someone. Especially YOU!

Punched!

I'll always stand by Wayne and Garth, but Andy Samberg is steadily climbing my list of people containing a high level of comedy. Have you seen Hot Rod? Trust me, it's not for everyone. As for myself, I must say that being a continual optimist I choose to extract the deeper meaning from these movies and apply them to my daily living, giving me a grander and more fulfilling existence.

Could I also mention that I really, really want to be friends with David Grohl. Him and Taylor Hawkins were the double punch. I'm pleased that he would agree to make such an appearance.

Now that we got Foo Fighters on the brain I need to ask if anyone knows the story behind how the Foo Fighters got their name. This morning on 94.9 The Blaze, Marcus in the Morning (this guy is such a tool) was telling us that the Foo Fighters were really supposed to be the Food Fighters, but that when their album and other associated paraphernalia went to the printers some doofus messed up and forgot the D on the end of Food. Whatever. Dave Grohl was the drummer for Nirvana, not a musician based out of his parents basement. If he wanted the band name to be Food Fighters, then it would've been the freaking Food Fighters. Marcus is the doofus. Well, I got a little help from Wikipedia and they enlightened me as to what a foo fighter is. Based on that info, I definitely think that the Foo Fighters intentionally meant to be named after foo fighters. With that being said, I must go and eat some edamame, feed Super, check the baseball standings, take the trash out the the street and then dream sweet dreams of the Science Policeman. Good night.