23 December 2009

The Tuft

Tragedy has hit my style! Due to my hair being platinum blonde and therefore very brittle, combined with participating in jujitsu, I now have major hair breakage which has resulted in tragic tufts.
My hair stylist is trying to convince me to try a super short hairstyle, but I'm afraid of looking too much like the Russian woman, Ludmilla Drago, in Rocky IV. Not that she isn't beautiful, because Brigitte Nielsen absolutely is, but that she's a badass and I'd rather be associated with darlingness and ultra-femininity. But at the same time, I'm constantly getting my hair ripped out when I'm grappling. I'm surprised that I have any hair left on my head at all. Camrann and Rob have said that they could construct a wig with how much hair of mine that they sweep up after I'm done rolling. Sick.
Yesterday was a ultra bad tuft day. The guys in the lab were laughing about it for a while. A photo was taken to cement the ridiculousness.
I went on another great date the other day (whoa!) and he loved the tuft! He thought that it was so incredibly endearing. Him saying that made me embrace my little broken hairs as part of my playful personality. I kind of like the tuft now.

22 December 2009

Alternate Reality

Apparently I am living an alternate version of my life where nice things are continually happening. It was snowing all day here in SLC and when I walked out to my car after work, I found, to my delight, that my car was cleared off. This person went out of their way to do it too. I park in a remote area of the parking lot and on this particular day I parked extra close the the snowbank on the passenger side. His (I'm assuming it was a man) footprints were all over the top of the snowbank as he wiped the snow from not only the windows but the roof and the hood of the car. I couldn't stop smiling. And when I got home late this evening there was some mistletoe stuck to my door. Could I, maybe, possibly, perhaps, have a secret admirer?! And if I do, then I would have to say that he is doing all the right things. There is nothing I respond to better than this type of thoughtfulness. He could look like Quasimodo for all I care but if he does the little tender things, I am a little puddle of melted goo. And even it's not a secret admirer, I'm still loving this experience. Someone is letting me know that they care.

20 December 2009

Online Dating Disaster!

No matter how many people urge you to try online dating, don't do it! It's where all the creeper men go to prey on lovely women who sign up so as to give an honest effort in finding someone outside their social circle at the intense encouragement of their mother. Argh! I was signed up for two months on a $16.99 special and it just might be a bigger waste of money than that time I spent the same amount on a DVD of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (absolutely painful to watch).

I signed up on a LDS dating site hoping to develop friendship/relationship with normal men that have a firm commitment to the gospel and the covenants that they've made. I'm pretty sure that those kind are already settled and married, or not online. I'm a relatively attractive, educated, extremely playful, and worthy woman and I got an overwhelming response from men 50+ years old, total nerds and creepers. I repeatedly told myself that I need to keep an open mind and explore all options. The first man that IM'd me was a skinny white dude who was wearing a wife beater and a gold chain in his profile picture. Even though I wanted to block him right away according to what he was wearing and that smug cocky smile on his face, I decided that I would give him a chance and see what he was all about. This was our conversation:

Stupid Creeper (SC): Your way hotttt! (He was an atrocious speller and I HATE when people use the wrong form of your and you're. This was already a deal breaker. And the multiple TTT's made me roll my eyes and let out an unamused sigh.)
Me: Thank you! I'm flattered. (I wasn't really because I'm positive that he opens up with that line to every woman with a somewhat attractive profile picture.)
SC: Do you workout?
Me: Yeah, very frequently. I'm addicted to Brazilian Jujitsu and train regularly.
SC: Kewl. (Please don't ask me why I didn't end the conversation right there, because I really don't have an answer for you.)
Me: What are your hobbies?
SC: Didn't you read my profile?
Me: No, you're the one that IM'd me.
SC: But I thought that you would have checked me out since I am the hottest guy on here. (Again, I have no idea why I didn't log off immediately.)
Me: You checked out your competition?
SC: Ya.
Me: That's weird.
SC: Just kidding! I don't really do that. (He most likely does.)
Me: Well, it was nice chatting with you (total lie) but I've got to go to bed now.
SC: What???!!!! We just got started. I didn't even ask the important question yet!
Me: Sorry but it's getting late.
SC: Well can I just be forward with you for a second?
Me: Alright, as long as its not creepy. (I didn't really have my hopes up for that request. I just knew that it was going to be creepy.)
SC: LOL! It's not.
Me: Okay, go for it. (Regrettable go-ahead)
SC: What does the booty look like?
Me: Are you asking if I'm fat?
SC: Are you?
Me: You shouldn't have prefaced that with "Can I be forward with you for a second," you should have prefaced it with "Can I be a jackass for a second." (I was going to log off right then but I was curious to see where this was headed.)
Me: That wasn't meant to be funny.
SC: I think you got the wrong idea about me.
Me: No, I think shallow ass hat is pretty accurate.
SC: So you are fat.
Me: Actually my body has been compared to Giselle Bundchen's. (Total lie - I definitely have some extra pounds on me - but I couldn't give him the satisfaction.)
SC: SWEET! I knew it! When can we meet? (Guys like this truly exist!!! I am witness!)
Me: That depends...what's your income potential over the next 5 years?
SC: I'm unemployed at the moment.
Me: Sucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I then logged off and blocked him. That was probably the worst IM that I had but others have come close! A man old enough to be my father emailed me and wrote, "Why would a beautiful woman hide 40% of her face?" I didn't know if he was trying to tell me a joke or commenting on my profile picture so I responded with, "What in the world are you talking about? Or, if this is a joke that you're telling, why would a woman do that?" He emailed me back with this, "Wondering why a beautiful woman Hides 40% of her Face ...with Hair ? And 30% of that is your Forehead. It just puzzles me is all since any man Greatly luvs a woman's Face over her Covering Hair. Yes, as a man of nearly 50 years..I have been exposed to 'Just A Few' Women in my days AND spoken with MORE than 'Just A Few' Men about their Female Tastes. And having that much Covering Hair takes away from Beauty." This was copied and pasted directly from the email. What a MORON! Covering hair? I can only assume that he means my bangs - which are totally darling! And does he think that nouns are supposed to be capitalized? Horrible grammar. Absolutely horrible! And I admit that mine isn't perfect, but I there's a certain level that my tolerance doesn't dip below and that email was one of them.

I did start regularly emailing a man that lives up in Alberta, Canada who is a hockey player and a welder. He was the most promising guy but I lost interest after he told me that he never wants his future wife to have kids because then she'll be fat. I have since deleted my profile and am going back to traditional dating.

I recently had one of the best dates of my life. He was incredibly handsome, gentlemanly and charming. We were laughing our guts off most of the night but we talked a little about why we're in our thirties and still single. We were sharing insecurities and being totally honest with each other about our feelings. It was one of the most refreshing conversations that I've had in a while. I shared that one of the reasons that I believe that I'm not settled in a relationship is that I feel that I don't deserve to be loved. I don't truly love myself. And in my brain I know that notion is completely false and that I have very desirable qualities that belong in a loving relationship. I know that I naturally possess some incredible traits that would truly nurture a companionship. But I self-sabotage myself everytime I get remotely close to forming a romantic attachment. I also went for a man that I knew from the very beginning nothing would ever happen because him not wanting me reinforced the fact that I was unlovable. Yeah, totally masochistic. When does what your mind tells you filter down to your heart and you start acting with confidence and let love happen? Alternately, my date told me that his problem is that he doesn't think that he's capable of loving the way that you should love someone in a marriage/relationship. He said that he always had this vision of being totally swept off his feet and suddenly everything will fall into place and he'll start loving this woman and do all the things that you're supposed to do to let a woman know that you'd do anything to make the relationship work. But because he hasn't experienced that, he's still single. But he thinks he's wrong about that because he said that if were to die tomorrow and had to stand before his maker and account for the reason that he's 30 and not married he doesn't think that his excuses would fly. He said that he's gone out with stunningly beautiful, smart, worthy women and for some reason he just doesn't pursue the relationship. He admitted that he's sure that he could've been happy with many of them but because he wasn't instantly smitten he didn't go for it and admitted that it's a fault. We also both agreed that we totally LOVE being single and that life is far easier as a single person than as a married person, and if marriage weren't a commandment we'd probably remain single forever (selfish, I know). Physical intimacy is also another selling point for us LDS folks.

There is light at the end of the tunnel though! I have specific goals for myself and trust that with some hard work my issues can be resolved, because they are not something that I want to take into a relationship. I've witnessed the destruction that personal insecurities such as the ones I have can create. I've also remained faithful to my God and because of that I know that everything will work out for the best. I've never been let down before.

11 December 2009

Things Men Should Never Say To A Woman #66

"I saw you in the lunchroom earlier today totally pounding that burrito. Good job."

Uhm............thank you?

10 December 2009

Giggle Words

A month or so ago, the Young Women and the leaders were asked to sing the rest hymn in sacrament meeting. We sang Walk Tall You're A Daughter of God and in the song there is a line that says, "Our Father held you in His arm so tender." I look over and a couple of the girls were giggling when we were approaching the word "tender." And I then I knew. It was a giggle word. A word that sounds so weird and somewhat gross that you just can't help but chuckle a bit. I was laughing with them about it later and they told me all the giggle words, most of which are found on this picture that is displayed in the lunchroom at the lab.
I posted the picture on Facebook and tagged Lucy and Hannah in it. The response was hilarious! These are the two little Chicken Nuggets. Yeah, they're as fun as they look.

I was asking some people at work what their giggle words were and the funniest one I got was knobs. It's now becoming my giggle word. I'm giggling right now as I write it. Tee Hee.

So what's your giggle word?

09 December 2009

Atomically Awesome!

I would like to send a thank you out into the universe directed to the person who put a bag of atomic fireballs anonymously into my locker at work today. I deduce that the giver has one X and one Y chromosome because the note was written on a yellow sticky pad and the handwriting was barely legible and we all know that neat penmanship and the ability to access stationary at any moment is contained in the gender that has two X chromosomes (my middle name is sometimes Sherlock). The message said this:

Because I know you like fireballs, you little fireball.

One of the best feelings is knowing that someone was thinking about you.

08 December 2009

Tapping The Kidney

Lunch was provided by the corporate team at work today and the drink option was 1.5 liter bottles of water. I work directly with 6 men and they all went down to partake before I did so I didn't sit with them. After I got back into the lab they were telling me that the challenge at the table was to drink the entire bottle of water before lunch was over. I joked that I would've smoked them all if I were there. I like talking the big talk. They asked me if I finished my water at lunch and I had to admit that I only finished 2/3rds of the bottle, but I didn't know that there was a challenge. We went down for a break later in the day and they placed 1.5 liters of freezing cold water in front of me. One and a half liters of water really isn't a big deal to me. I drink that much before and after my workouts at Absolute and my Bikram Yoga classes. But usually it's after I've sweat out alot of water and it's at room temperature. I chugged the bottle and only took it away from my lips once or twice, so I could say "How you like them apples!" after I was done. I slammed the empty bottle on the table as if I'd just won a very important lager drinking contest, said my quote and then immediately felt so sick. I rushed over to the trash can and held myself over it just waiting for a waterfall to come exploding out of my mouth. The guys were all laughing so hard and told me I'm only the champ if I can keep it down. I stifle it and strut back up to that lab with the confidence that comes with being The Challenge of the Day champ. My stomach returned to feeling normal after about an hour and that's the point that I started having to pee DESPERATELY. I would pee and then while I was washing my hands the pee feeling would return. There was no relief for my bladder. None. I had to run to the restroom after every extraction that I was doing during the afternoon. I couldn't even make it home from work without stopping at a store to use the restroom. I must have peed twenty times in the last few hours. But I'd do it again just to be the Challenge of the Day champ. It's a great honor.

03 December 2009

I See A Little Silouetto of a Clam

I have always found the Muppets highly entertaining. Their quirky and slapstick humor has great appeal to me. I loved the TV shorts and all the movies, including "Muppets From Space," where Pepe the Prawn was first introduced to me and immediately embedded himself in my heart. I took piano lessons for a little while in elementary school and quit after I was able to play the theme songs from The Muppet Show and Star Wars. Those were the only songs that really mattered. I still know how to play them.

I was thrilled when I saw this music video that had the winning combination of the Muppets and my go-to karaoke/shower song. My Muppet look-a-like, Janice, makes her appearance about halfway through the video. If only I could rock out as hard as her. Someday. *Sigh*

I must confess that in my freshman year of college I was addicted to only one show - Muppets Tonight. It was on Sunday nights, had new Muppet characters, had a celebrity guest each week, and was HILARIOUS! I have no idea why it was cancelled. On Sunday nights I would have a crowd in my dorm room and we would all be eagerly anticipating the Muppet antics and celebrity sketches. Here are a couple that I found on youtube.

You all know how I feel about my brothers, and want to conclude with why my younger bro is so endearing. Rarely can you get him to actually show a real smile when taking his picture. He often does what I call the Muppet smile. See...
The mouth is hanging open in a mock smile. Like he's waiting for you to get the punch line in a joke.
He moved to Seattle last June with his wife and I miss them so much. When I think of Stefan, a picture of him with his Muppet smile comes up in my mind, and I smile my real smile.