31 May 2008

Give Me Sexy. Now Give Me Crazy.

I grabbed some of the Young Women and we went on a nature hike. We came across a random rusty old truck and took pictures.

I just can't get enough of these girls! They are good for my little heart. It's nice to know that I can love like that.

27 May 2008

I Feel Like A Million!

Check this out:
You see that gi that I'm wearing? That's Grand Master Flavio Behring's Jujitsu gi. Rob and Cam presented it to me tonight at the gym. I can't tell you how thrilled I am! My heart is bursting.
How cool is this!!!!

26 May 2008

The Truth Is, I Am Iron Man.

Here is yet another informative post on some wicked random things that took place or things that I thought of over the last few days.

1) First off, my chest was hurting all last week. Particularly the left side of my chest. My thoughts suddenly turned to all the symptoms associated with a heart attack. I couldn't actually recall any, but I knew there must be some symptoms besides the left side of your chest hurting. Then I remembered that we recently were working on foot jabs at Absolute. These foot jabs are typically aimed at the abdomen or solar plexus. The man I was paired up with practiced his foot jab consistently on my left breast. I remember thinking, "If he foot jabs me in the chest one more time, I am going to foot jab him right in the chucks."

2) The genius of my 10 year old friend, Hannah.

The "colored" butt with the white panties is Serena Williams. She's one huge plastic doll! Hannah will let you come over and play, if you ever feel so inclined.

More of Hannah's genius:

I know what you're thinking, but I'm telling you that I DID NOT instigate this. I might've encouraged it a little with my uncontrolled laughter and picture taking, but I did not direct it.

A face behind the genius:

3) My police evasion technique is unmatched. The registration on the Volvo expired last month, and I still have not taken care of it. I'm pushing my luck by driving past the police station on my way to work every morning. But I am on high alert and have been pulling (rather recklessly) into random parking lots and side streets as soon as I see a cop car approaching behind me. Last Friday, I pulled into the left lane to make a left turn and looked into my rearview mirror to see a cruiser in the distance. Then, I see his left turn signal switch on. Crap! I'm totally busted if he pulls up behind me. I was panicked. Heavy breathing. Sweat on the brow. I was already thinking of ways I could talk myself out of this. I am pretty persuasive when I combine my charm with some eyelash batting. He was 25 feet behind me when the light suddenly turned green. I stepped on that gas so hard, made the turn, and pulled into empty Mexican restaurant parking lot and regained composure. That was too close for comfort.

4) I finally saw Iron Man. Best movie EVER! I'm not satisfied with my Jedi and Batman pillowcases anymore. I've got to get myself some Iron Man merchandise. I now want to be a brilliant, womanizing, boozing, mathematician and weapons engineer. Don't underestimate my ambition. I've got to see that movie again. If anyone needs a pal to go and see this, count me in.

5) I went kite flying on Saturday afternoon in Sugarhouse park. One of the kites was a B-52 bomber. A few military helicopters flew by and I was worried that they thought the B-52 was a threat. I mean, that kite was flying high. I could see how they might make that slight mistake. As a side note, I have to tell you how hot the sound of military aircraft is. Air shows totally do it for me. I just can't get enough.

6) No I have not called hot random motorcycle man (Troy)...yet. I've got a few other men on my plate right now that I'm sorting through. A plate that does not include Jerky McJerkington, formerly known as Hot New Work Boy. So I found out that he has a girlfriend/is engaged. We had lunch on Thursday together and I found out Friday morning using stealth tactics. I don't really care because I actually was starting to become rather disenchanted by him. I was initially attracted to his aggressive flirtation, but that doesn't carry too far in the long run. I feel bad for him because I'm sure that his massive flirtation is going to come around and bite him in the butt sometime soon. Especially if he is doing it in the workplace. (Editors note: I retract this paragraph as of 27 May 2008, due to misinformation regarding Mr. McJerkington. He will also no longer retain the name McJerkington. He is not engaged and is not in a relationship. I must remember that hearsay is not a valid source of information. If I do refer to him in any future blog entries, he will be known as The Science Policeman. Let me explain why that's funny. He's a quality auditor. So he polices our work. Get it? Science Policeman. It's funny. Trust me.)

7) This was the cherry on top of the week. I was surfing the web to see when some other local fights are taking place and found this little gem on the Throwdown website. They have a few local gym team pictures up, and Ben's team was one of them. For directional purposes, I circled him in orange.

I still can't contain my laughter. This is why he needs me as his pal. Who else would truly appreciate him looking like a dirty old man with a mullet? No one, that's who. This picture doesn't even remotely look like him. At all! I could safely say that this might be the worst picture taken of him in the whole history of his existence. Unless, of course, there is the classic picture of him in 1986 as a pre-teen in braces with horrible acne, wearing an Ocean Pacific T-shirt and sporting the mullet. Which, of course, I would pay massive amounts of money to see.
I do love that there is a girl on their team. She looks all hardcore. I'm totally going to be like that.

And then there's the coolest team ever! Such a good looking and talented group!

(pictures taken from Throwdown website)
So that's a wrap up of this weekend. Peace and tranquility to you all.

22 May 2008

Everything Must Go!

Super's home got an extreme makeover:
I was neglectful of my little buddy for a month or two. I procrastinated in changing his filter and the tank grew a nice layer of brown gunk. I figured that Super was getting a bit tired of his current decor and decided to redo it all. He's getting up there in age and I thought that going for a hip and edgy look would get him feeling youthful again. You can see the excitement on his face. I teared up just like as if I were watching Extreme Home Makeover. I could just imagine what he was saying.

"Ahhhhhh!!! You're kidding me! You've got to be kidding me!!! This is the most incredible moment of my life! OMGosh! OMGosh! Ahhhhhhh! I don't know what to say! I truly don't have words! It's my dream home! I couldn't have imagined it being any better! I just can't believe it's mine! OMGosh! Vanessa, you really get me. You have the best taste! Thank you. Thank you! THANK YOU!!!"

You are welcome, Super. It's the least I could do for you in your situation...being stuck in a two gallon plastic box for your entire life and all.

21 May 2008

About The Good Stuff

This week at Absolute, we had the pleasure of having Grand Master Flavio Behring teaching our Jujitsu classes. The second I saw him, I loved him. He is a man that carries a peacefulness and gentleness with him. You can see it in his face.
(photo taken from absoluteMMA.blogspot.com)
He's unbelievable to watch and to learn from. He's patient and precise. We learned a progression of really great moves tonight. What I loved was the way he still got excited about this stuff. It was so cool! He would show us something and then smile in the way that you know that he was thinking how awesome that just was. It made me feel like we had a connection because that's how I feel whenever I'm doing Jujitsu. I always get over-excited about what I learn everytime I'm on the mat.

It's crazy how unnatural Jujitsu feels at first, and then you do it for a while and realize the simpleness and flow of it. It then starts feeling very natural. Your body recognizes what it needs to do and does it. I'm not very good at it yet, but I certainly have a love for it and I'm going to keep learning.

I grateful that I have the opportunity to learn from such great people. Rob and Cam are amazing coaches with incredible knowledge. They've invested so much in the gym so that we can get the best training and experience. Pedro is awesome in the way that he's super encouraging and friendly, but he doesn't mess around when it comes to learning this stuff and really helps you keep your head in the moment. He's always willing to pair up with me and work hard with me until I finally get it, no matter how long it takes. The rest of the guys are the gym are equally as amazing. Tonight I worked for a couple of hours with a guy named Denver. Towards the end we were really getting excited for each other because we were able to see the others progress. It's nice to have that kind of support.

I feel changed since I started doing this. I feel more comfortable with myself. I can't quite write the feeling adequately, but just know that it feels good.

19 May 2008

And That's How It's Done

Oh blessed day. You know that hymn, The Morning Breaks?

The morning breaks, the shadows flee.
The dawning of a brighter day.
The dawning of a brighter day.
Majestic rises on the world.

I've been humming that to myself all morning. Why, you ask? Let me start from 4:30am. Actually, let me just tell you right away because I can't contain my excitement: THE IDIOT ROOSTER IS GONE! Yeah, that's right, I make things happen around here.

Ok, at 4:30am the rooster wakes me up and my eyes instantly turn red with anger. I was out super late last night because I took the day off today and was hoping to sleep in. I was getting belligerent. The animosity I have built up for this rooster suddenly bubbled to the top and I snapped. I went to the front door and looked out and actually saw the damned thing strutting across the neighbors yard yelling it's head off. I really had to stop myself and rationally think this through. The exact location of the rooster was now known. I hopped on the internet, found the number for the police and called the dispatcher. I can make friends pretty easily and chatted it up with the lady on the phone for a bit. She said that it wasn't a silly complaint and that the police were there to dispose of public nuisances. She agreed with me that it was indeed a public nuisance. She even admired my restraint for not going over there and snapping its neck. The officer that took the complaint then called me to follow up and we had a few good chuckles about the situation. He said that animal control had been called and would make sure that the rooster was out of there this week. The morning breaks. The dawning of a brighter day.

"What's that, Mr. Rooster? You're going to cockle-doodle-doo your brains out for the rest of the morning? It's cool. I'm just going think of you as I eat my chicken dinner tonight and lick my greasy fingers in satisfaction! You damn rooster. Don't mess with the best, yo."

18 May 2008

I'm Telling Y'all It's A Sabotage!

I had to make some choices as where to spend my time last night. It's rough being this popular. If you were to ever rub a magical lamp or catch a magical fish, don't wish to be as popular as I am. It's tougher than you think. Anyway, I decided to go to a surprise birthday party for this guy at work. I've been invited many times before to hang out, but have always had to say no. I think that they started thinking that I was thinking that I was too good for them. I had to go this time.

What I didn't know when I arrived was that the best present to get this guy was a case of his favorite beer or a bottle of hard alcohol. I showed up with a nice book of crossword puzzles. You know, the expensive ones from Barnes & Noble. There were a few giggles/outright laughs for that one. But he likes crossword puzzles! I see him doing them all the time at lunch! I thought it was thoughtful! It was the only non-alcoholic present that he got. I sure hope he woke up this morning.

I'm really glad that I showed up because not too many people from work came. I did meet a ton of really cool people though. Later in the night, when everyone was good and plastered, we played Rock Band. HAHAHAHA! And this is where I come in. I sucked it up on the drums for a couple songs and then when I was booed off the stage I was politely told that maybe I should sing next. It takes quite a bit of prodding for me to do that type of thing. Finally I took the microphone and sang Sabotage by the Beastie Boys. For those of you not familiar with the song, I conveniently have it on my music playlist to the right of this post. I'm just going to toot my own horn on this and say that I rocked it. I'm pretty sure that I sounded just like Mike D. There was a ton of laughter from the onlookers. And I couldn't even use alcohol as an excuse. It was a flashback to the time that I sang Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen in front of some other co-workers. Why do I keep doing this to myself? No wonder nobody takes me seriously.

17 May 2008

Men With Motorcycles

There's a new guy at work who is smokin'! I met him last week at our company cinco de mayo party. He's one of our new Quality Assurance auditors. I was standing by him in line while waiting to get some tacos. He was wearing those 1980's style sunglasses, brought back by Kanye West. What a tragedy.

Anyway, this guy is hilarious and smart and cool. Did I mention very handsome? I didn't think too much of it until he started instant messaging me through our company system. Holy shameless flirtation, Batman! All last week! Everyday. Asking me out for lunch. Wanting to give me a ride on his sweet motorcycle. Never has a man been this forward with me. And never have I felt like such a woman because of it.

Last night, driving home from work, I was thinking about how I really like motorcycles and how great it is that new work boy has one, and how I should date more guys that have them. Well, right then, at a stoplight on Redwood Road, a muscled handsome man rode up on his Harley, looked over and winked at me. I blushed a little and looked away. Then looked back. He was right there smiling at me. Why wasn't this blasted light changing!? Another coy glance his direction and he gestured for me to roll the window down. And I did! What! He started talking to me and asked if he could give me his phone number. I thought it was cool that opted to give me his instead of asking for mine. I memorized the number and then the light changed. So now I'm left with this dilemma. Do I call him or not? Sure he was good-looking, smooth, and confident. Sure he was riding an awesome Harley. Sure that I'm sure that he's going to be a rich, cocky, meathead. So do I call anyway?

15 May 2008

Fight On

Alright, it's that time again. Jeremy Horn is putting on a Fight Night this Saturday, 7:00 at the Salt Palace. Cort McGee is the main event. He's always great to watch. I'm not sure yet if I will be attending due to the fact that I will be running in the Ogden marathon that morning. That normally wouldn't be a big deal, but seeing as I haven't trained at all for this, I'm wondering if I will be down for the count the rest of the weekend. I even took Monday off from work already anticipating that I will be non-functional. I'm truly relying on last years marathon training to get me through this. Pray for me.

I've been emailing Jeremy Horn over the last few weeks to see if he needs any volunteers for his shows. I want to be more involved in the MMA scene and figure that contacting the promoters of these shows would help.

The first email I sent to Jeremy was very professional, stating who I was and what my intentions were. I told him how long I've been training and my gym affiliation. I described my love for MMA and explained how I could help in his shows. When I didn't hear back from him I emailed him a second time expressing intense desire to participate. I also played up some of my incredible qualities. Still no answer. Another email was sent and I decided to be Ms. Sassy Pants. It was light-hearted and fun. Again, no reply. I emailed him one last time and told him to put his gloves on and meet me in the cage! You'd better pack a lunch and bring a friend Jeremy, because it's going to be an all day event. Sucka! Foolish Sucka! I just checked my email...nothing. I bet he's scared.

12 May 2008

There's No Place Like The Ballpark

Man, those Bees are really bringing on the heat. They're something like 13 games ahead in their division. So impressive.

I totally took this sweet picture last night.

We've got a great ballpark with the mountains as a majestic backdrop. It's too bad that there are like a billion empty seats. Maybe it'll fill up a bit more once the weather decides it wants to remain warm. Last night was frigid. Some random guy told me, as I went to use the restroom, that it was so cold he could cut glass with his nipples. Uhm, thanks for the info? But I've never heard that expression before and was entertained by it.

Well, this night was especially awesome because a group of guys that I sat with at a ton of the games last year was there again this year. Ben (shady little guy in the back), Crook (in the orange), and Nick are the loudest, funniest guys at the ballpark. Crook moved to Arizona last fall but works for an airline now, so he's planning on coming up plenty to watch some good baseball. I guess the Diamondbacks just aren't cutting it for him. Who knows? Anyway, I can't really repeat what was said (I'm trying to keep this blog in the PG-13 category), but know that I was laughing so hard that my eyes were watering. The Bees players love us because it's pretty clear that what is said is affecting the opposing team. They start looking over at us and shaking their heads and such. I thought my trash talking was pretty clever, but it is nothing compared to was these circus animals got. Sweet Lincoln's mullet!

I've got to go to bed. I'm starting to turn into an ogre. It is way too late to be doing this.

11 May 2008

You Can't Tell Me That It's Not True

I make my blog public so that many may enjoy my massive genius. I'm certain that I have many "lurkers" or "blog stalkers" that frequent this page of literary splendor. I recently checked how many profile views I have received and was surprised to find that over 300 people have looked me up. Last time I checked I think I only had around 14. And I will shamelessly admit that I'm thrive on comments. Just can't get enough of them. So last week I received an anonymous comment on this post, and just had to let that person know that I enjoyed their remark and hope to hear from them in the future. Thank you, my friend, for your candor. I appreciate your honesty in telling my that I do indeed look like Trent Reznor. I do like to tell myself that it isn't the dark, brooding, angst ridden, satanic look that this resemblance is based upon. We both just have glorious bone structure and an ethereal milky white complexion.

Also, Mr./Ms. Anonymous, you are not the first to tell me that I look like Claire Danes. Ever since Romeo + Juliet came out in 1996, I have been compared to the gorgeous Ms. Danes. I have scrutinized pictures of her and still just cannot see it. Until the other day when I saw this picture.
This looks exactly like me! It's just too bad that this is a still from Brokedown Palace and she is serving a jail sentence in less than sanitary conditions and that's why she looks the way she does. Figures. BUT, I finally know what you all are talking about when you say that I look like her.
The most random likeness I've received was from someone who thought that I looked like Janice, the Muppet. Funny. But at the same time, not funny.

Also, recently I've looked at my profile picture and finally concluded as to who I look like in that photo. Check this out:

You can't tell me that you don't see it. Would it help if I photoshopped a blue hoodie on myself? Maybe if I had more of a sinister smile? What if my brows were furrowed a bit more? No, I think they're adequately furrowed. That shouldn't make a difference. Why didn't any of you tell me?! I hold you all responsible for letting me walk around the blog world looking like Skeletor, the mastermind of evil. Thanks, guys. Really appreciate it.

10 May 2008

Fighter Lawn Service

Seriously, I wasn't even complaining about having to mow my lawn when Camrann offered to come over and do it. I was leaving the gym and just merely stated that it had to be done. I know that I complain about lawn mowing quite frequently but really, I didn't this time! I don't know why I hate it, I just do. The hardest chores for me to do is fold laundry and lawn mowing. Everything else is cake.

The sucky part of all of this is that the neighbors are tactless about my lawn care habits. The old couple next door will constantly ask me about my schedule and make me give a time when I'm going to take care of it. What the crap?! Is that your business? Really? Another neighbor couple will take walks and when they get to my yard they will stop and inspect the length of my grass. Then they'll shake their head in that disappointed way. Argh! You'd think with this behavior that my lawn is this overgrown jungle where you need a machete to make your way to the front door.

What came of this is that members of my ward that live nearby have been asking who that handsome man mowing my lawn was.

"Oh him? That's just my man slave."

"The one in the black? If I told you, I'd have to kill you. It's best to just forget that you ever saw him."

"That guy? Oh my gosh! I didn't tell you that I got married in Vegas last week? Best drunken mistake of my life!"

Next time I'm going to have to ask him to take his shirt off. Those abs of steel will really raise some eyebrows.

It's nice to have someone think of you and take care of you like that. Camrann is an angel. An ass kicking angel.

03 May 2008

Now Hiring

I'm ornery today. You want to know why? Because I have a damn rooster waking me up at 4:30 in the morning. Every morning! When you're out past 2am, and you wake up to a rooster call two hours later, you instantly turn into an insane person. You get so angry and worked up that you can't go back to sleep. So you're left lying there with your angry thoughts dwelling on strategy for disposing of a rooster without suspicion of foul play.

Who thinks that it is a good idea to have a rooster in a residential neighborhood? A sadistic person, that's who. I mean, I can understand wanting to have a few chickens for fresh homegrown eggs but, correct me if I'm wrong, you don't need a rooster to get an edible egg!

Now I'm not a big proponent of killing animals, but this rooster has got to go. I'm thinking the easiest solution is an "accidental" shooting. But if that isn't an option (silencer availability), then I would settle for kidnapping said rooster and setting it free in the wild where it can live in its natural habitat for a long and fulfilling life. Or a combination of both options--kidnapping rooster, letting rooster go, and then shooting it. Or hire a falconer. Hawks eat roosters all the time, right?

If any of you have "resources" or interest in participation, please let me know. No names need be mentioned.