16 December 2007

The Grass Is Never Greener!

I made a mistake. A huge mistake. Now I'm stuck. So, as most of you know, I've been wanting out of the testing that I've been doing for the past year. Well, two and a half weeks ago I got my wish. Now I'm miserable. All I want now is to get back on the original test. Let me back up a little. I was supposed switch tasks within the same section, Aerobiology. Once I started training on that test which was bacterial filtration efficiency, I realized that it wasn't really what I wanted to do. I then went back to The Boss and asked if I could stay on the original test. We talked about it and it was concluded that it probably shouldn't happen. He didn't think that I would be happy and the same issues would most likely arise again. We also talked about how it's hard to be friends and have a boss/subordinate relationship. It sounded right at the time. I was informed the Microbiology section would like me to be there on the microbial limits test. I made an emotionally charged decision to switch to that section and do that test. I just felt that something needed to change. Now it feels like I've been punched in the stomach 800 times. When I reported to the Microbiology section on the first day, they informed me that I would be doing water membrane filtration and environmental tests instead of the microbial limits test. That wasn't what I was expecting. I do understand that the section has needs, and because someone else quit they had unexpected positions that had to be filled. But I'm not that girl. I don't think that I would've made the decision to move sections if I knew that my job consisted of counting bacterial and fungal colonies on petri dishes and pouring water samples through a funnel. I did voice my opinion to my supervisor and she understood. She's having me cross-train on microbial limits. I've been doing that for the past two days and like it much better. I guess that I just feel so needed in Aerobiology and I want that feeling of being needed and valuable back. Things are very stressful over there at the moment. The demands for testing has gone up and no one is getting the help that they need. This isn't just on the test that I was previously on. It's the whole section. But I really think my old test NEEDS me. They don't just need another person to help out, they need me and my experience. If I could do it over, I would do so many things differently. I know that I could've been happy there if I would've just changed my attitude. It was a good job. Now I made a mess of things.
I've had so many realizations since I've left my old section. I miss being horribly busy. I like working hard. I like having alot to do. Now I'm a clock watcher. I miss working for Ben. He really inspired me to work. He had high expectations of me. Even though I was frustrated with him at times, he really was an exceptional boss. He worked hard which set a good example for me. I guess that I didn't always feel appreciated, but now I realize that I just didn't recognize the ways the ways that he was showing his appreciation. And I hate that we agreed that I shouldn't get back on the 1671 test to somewhat preserve our friendship, and it doesn't even seem like we're friends anymore. I know that he's unbelievable busy, but I hate never seeing him. I'll run into him in the hall or in the parking lot, and we'll chit-chat, but that's all. I left a voicemail on his office phone once inviting him out to lunch, but he never called back. I hope I didn't ruin our friendship with my bad attitude. It would really hurt if he didn't want to be my friend. I look up to him and respect him. He's alot of what I want to be and am not. I think that I just need to wait for things to hopefully mellow out and then see how he wants things to be.
I miss my old section. Everyone was friends. Everyone looked for ways to help each other out. We didn't talk behind each others backs. Not to say that this new section isn't helpful and friendly, but it just is a different feeling. Not as comfortable. I really am trying to have a good attitude and give it some time. It's quite an adjustment going from something that you were highly proficient in, to training in something that seems very menial. I am looking for other jobs though. I'm not even sure that I want to work in the science industry anymore. Which frustrates me, because for the longest time I just wanted to be a scientist. I really hope to find a good fit for me somewhere. It would be nice if it were in the company, but if not, I'm prepared to take charge and find something that does fit. I've been looking at alot of jobs back home in MA, but I'm not sure that I'm ready to leave Utah. I've kind of made it my home. And they don't have Crown Burger in MA.

1 comment:

Shann said...

I just plain LOVE you Vaness! Even more than you love Crown Burger. Let's get together VERY soon and talk! Thanks for being such a phenomenal friend.