Alternate Reality

Apparently I am living an alternate version of my life where nice things are continually happening. It was snowing all day here in SLC and when I walked out to my car after work, I found, to my delight, that my car was cleared off. This person went out of their way to do it too. I park in a remote area of the parking lot and on this particular day I parked extra close the the snowbank on the passenger side. His (I'm assuming it was a man) footprints were all over the top of the snowbank as he wiped the snow from not only the windows but the roof and the hood of the car. I couldn't stop smiling. And when I got home late this evening there was some mistletoe stuck to my door. Could I, maybe, possibly, perhaps, have a secret admirer?! And if I do, then I would have to say that he is doing all the right things. There is nothing I respond to better than this type of thoughtfulness. He could look like Quasimodo for all I care but if he does the little tender things, I am a little puddle of melted goo. And even it's not a secret admirer, I'm still loving this experience. Someone is letting me know that they care.

Online Dating Disaster!

No matter how many people urge you to try online dating, don't do it! It's where all the creeper men go to prey on lovely women who sign up so as to give an honest effort in finding someone outside their social circle at the intense encouragement of their mother. Argh! I was signed up for two months on a $16.99 special and it just might be a bigger waste of money than that time I spent the same amount on a DVD of Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones (absolutely painful to watch).

I signed up on a LDS dating site hoping to develop friendship/relationship with normal men that have a firm commitment to the gospel and the covenants that they've made. I'm pretty sure that those kind are already settled and married, or not online. I'm a relatively attractive, educated, extremely playful, and worthy woman and I got an overwhelming response from men 50+ years old, total nerds and creepers. I repeatedly told myself that I need to keep an open mind and explore all options. The first man that IM'd me was a skinny white dude who was wearing a wife beater and a gold chain in his profile picture. Even though I wanted to block him right away according to what he was wearing and that smug cocky smile on his face, I decided that I would give him a chance and see what he was all about. This was our conversation:

Stupid Creeper (SC): Your way hotttt! (He was an atrocious speller and I HATE when people use the wrong form of your and you're. This was already a deal breaker. And the multiple TTT's made me roll my eyes and let out an unamused sigh.)

Me: Thank you! I'm flattered. (I wasn't really because I'm positive that he opens up with that line to every woman with a somewhat attractive profile picture.)

SC: Do you workout?

Me: Yeah, very frequently. I'm addicted to Brazilian Jujitsu and train regularly.

SC: Kewl. (Please don't ask me why I didn't end the conversation right there, because I really don't have an answer for you.)

Me: What are your hobbies?

SC: Didn't you read my profile?

Me: No, you're the one that IM'd me.

SC: But I thought that you would have checked me out since I am the hottest guy on here. (Again, I have no idea why I didn't log off immediately.)

Me: You checked out your competition?

SC: Ya.

Me: That's weird.

SC: Just kidding! I don't really do that. (He most likely does.)

Me: Well, it was nice chatting with you (total lie) but I've got to go to bed now.

SC: What???!!!! We just got started. I didn't even ask the important question yet!

Me: Sorry but it's getting late.

SC: Well can I just be forward with you for a second?

Me: Alright, as long as its not creepy. (I didn't really have my hopes up for that request. I just knew that it was going to be creepy.)

SC: LOL! It's not.

Me: Okay, go for it. (Regrettable go-ahead)

SC: What does the booty look like?

Me: Are you asking if I'm fat?

SC: Are you?

Me: You shouldn't have prefaced that with "Can I be forward with you for a second," you should have prefaced it with "Can I be a jackass for a second." (I was going to log off right then but I was curious to see where this was headed.)

SC: LOL!

Me: That wasn't meant to be funny.

SC: I think you got the wrong idea about me.

Me: No, I think shallow ass hat is pretty accurate.

SC: So you are fat.

Me: Actually my body has been compared to Giselle Bundchen's. (Total lie - I definitely have some extra pounds on me - but I couldn't give him the satisfaction.)

SC: SWEET! I knew it! When can we meet? (Guys like this truly exist!!! I am witness!)

Me: That depends...what's your income potential over the next 5 years?

SC: I'm unemployed at the moment.

Me: Sucker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I then logged off and blocked him. That was probably the worst IM that I had but others have come close! A man old enough to be my father emailed me and wrote, "Why would a beautiful woman hide 40% of her face?" I didn't know if he was trying to tell me a joke or commenting on my profile picture so I responded with, "What in the world are you talking about? Or, if this is a joke that you're telling, why would a woman do that?" He emailed me back with this, "Wondering why a beautiful woman Hides 40% of her Face ...with Hair ? And 30% of that is your Forehead. It just puzzles me is all since any man Greatly luvs a woman's Face over her Covering Hair. Yes, as a man of nearly 50 years..I have been exposed to 'Just A Few' Women in my days AND spoken with MORE than 'Just A Few' Men about their Female Tastes. And having that much Covering Hair takes away from Beauty." This was copied and pasted directly from the email. What a MORON! Covering hair? I can only assume that he means my bangs - which are totally darling! And does he think that nouns are supposed to be capitalized? Horrible grammar. Absolutely horrible! And I admit that mine isn't perfect, but I there's a certain level that my tolerance doesn't dip below and that email was one of them.

I did start regularly emailing a man that lives up in Alberta, Canada who is a hockey player and a welder. He was the most promising guy but I lost interest after he told me that he never wants his future wife to have kids because then she'll be fat. I have since deleted my profile and am going back to traditional dating.

I recently had one of the best dates of my life. He was incredibly handsome, gentlemanly and charming. We were laughing our guts off most of the night but we talked a little about why we're in our thirties and still single. We were sharing insecurities and being totally honest with each other about our feelings. It was one of the most refreshing conversations that I've had in a while. I shared that one of the reasons that I believe that I'm not settled in a relationship is that I feel that I don't deserve to be loved. I don't truly love myself. And in my brain I know that notion is completely false and that I have very desirable qualities that belong in a loving relationship. I know that I naturally possess some incredible traits that would truly nurture a companionship. But I self-sabotage myself everytime I get remotely close to forming a romantic attachment. I also went for a man that I knew from the very beginning nothing would ever happen because him not wanting me reinforced the fact that I was unlovable. Yeah, totally masochistic. When does what your mind tells you filter down to your heart and you start acting with confidence and let love happen? Alternately, my date told me that his problem is that he doesn't think that he's capable of loving the way that you should love someone in a marriage/relationship. He said that he always had this vision of being totally swept off his feet and suddenly everything will fall into place and he'll start loving this woman and do all the things that you're supposed to do to let a woman know that you'd do anything to make the relationship work. But because he hasn't experienced that, he's still single. But he thinks he's wrong about that because he said that if were to die tomorrow and had to stand before his maker and account for the reason that he's 30 and not married he doesn't think that his excuses would fly. He said that he's gone out with stunningly beautiful, smart, worthy women and for some reason he just doesn't pursue the relationship. He admitted that he's sure that he could've been happy with many of them but because he wasn't instantly smitten he didn't go for it and admitted that it's a fault. We also both agreed that we totally LOVE being single and that life is far easier as a single person than as a married person, and if marriage weren't a commandment we'd probably remain single forever (selfish, I know). Physical intimacy is also another selling point for us LDS folks.

There is light at the end of the tunnel though! I have specific goals for myself and trust that with some hard work my issues can be resolved, because they are not something that I want to take into a relationship. I've witnessed the destruction that personal insecurities such as the ones I have can create. I've also remained faithful to my God and because of that I know that everything will work out for the best. I've never been let down before.

Things Men Should Never Say To A Woman #66

"I saw you in the lunchroom earlier today totally pounding that burrito. Good job."

Uhm............thank you?

Giggle Words

A month or so ago, the Young Women and the leaders were asked to sing the rest hymn in sacrament meeting. We sang Walk Tall You're A Daughter of God and in the song there is a line that says, "Our Father held you in His arm so tender." I look over and a couple of the girls were giggling when we were approaching the word "tender." And I then I knew. It was a giggle word. A word that sounds so weird and somewhat gross that you just can't help but chuckle a bit. I was laughing with them about it later and they told me all the giggle words, most of which are found on this picture that is displayed in the lunchroom at the lab.
I posted the picture on Facebook and tagged Lucy and Hannah in it. The response was hilarious! These are the two little Chicken Nuggets. Yeah, they're as fun as they look.

I was asking some people at work what their giggle words were and the funniest one I got was knobs. It's now becoming my giggle word. I'm giggling right now as I write it. Tee Hee.

So what's your giggle word?

Atomically Awesome!

I would like to send a thank you out into the universe directed to the person who put a bag of atomic fireballs anonymously into my locker at work today. I deduce that the giver has one X and one Y chromosome because the note was written on a yellow sticky pad and the handwriting was barely legible and we all know that neat penmanship and the ability to access stationary at any moment is contained in the gender that has two X chromosomes (my middle name is sometimes Sherlock). The message said this:

Because I know you like fireballs, you little fireball.

One of the best feelings is knowing that someone was thinking about you.

Tapping The Kidney

Lunch was provided by the corporate team at work today and the drink option was 1.5 liter bottles of water. I work directly with 6 men and they all went down to partake before I did so I didn't sit with them. After I got back into the lab they were telling me that the challenge at the table was to drink the entire bottle of water before lunch was over. I joked that I would've smoked them all if I were there. I like talking the big talk. They asked me if I finished my water at lunch and I had to admit that I only finished 2/3rds of the bottle, but I didn't know that there was a challenge. We went down for a break later in the day and they placed 1.5 liters of freezing cold water in front of me. One and a half liters of water really isn't a big deal to me. I drink that much before and after my workouts at Absolute and my Bikram Yoga classes. But usually it's after I've sweat out alot of water and it's at room temperature. I chugged the bottle and only took it away from my lips once or twice, so I could say "How you like them apples!" after I was done. I slammed the empty bottle on the table as if I'd just won a very important lager drinking contest, said my quote and then immediately felt so sick. I rushed over to the trash can and held myself over it just waiting for a waterfall to come exploding out of my mouth. The guys were all laughing so hard and told me I'm only the champ if I can keep it down. I stifle it and strut back up to that lab with the confidence that comes with being The Challenge of the Day champ. My stomach returned to feeling normal after about an hour and that's the point that I started having to pee DESPERATELY. I would pee and then while I was washing my hands the pee feeling would return. There was no relief for my bladder. None. I had to run to the restroom after every extraction that I was doing during the afternoon. I couldn't even make it home from work without stopping at a store to use the restroom. I must have peed twenty times in the last few hours. But I'd do it again just to be the Challenge of the Day champ. It's a great honor.

I See A Little Silouetto of a Clam

I have always found the Muppets highly entertaining. Their quirky and slapstick humor has great appeal to me. I loved the TV shorts and all the movies, including "Muppets From Space," where Pepe the Prawn was first introduced to me and immediately embedded himself in my heart. I took piano lessons for a little while in elementary school and quit after I was able to play the theme songs from The Muppet Show and Star Wars. Those were the only songs that really mattered. I still know how to play them.

I was thrilled when I saw this music video that had the winning combination of the Muppets and my go-to karaoke/shower song. My Muppet look-a-like, Janice, makes her appearance about halfway through the video. If only I could rock out as hard as her. Someday. *Sigh*

The Muppets: Bohemian Rhapsody @ Yahoo! Video

I must confess that in my freshman year of college I was addicted to only one show - Muppets Tonight. It was on Sunday nights, had new Muppet characters, had a celebrity guest each week, and was HILARIOUS! I have no idea why it was cancelled. On Sunday nights I would have a crowd in my dorm room and we would all be eagerly anticipating the Muppet antics and celebrity sketches. Here are a couple that I found on youtube.

You all know how I feel about my brothers, and want to conclude with why my younger bro is so endearing. Rarely can you get him to actually show a real smile when taking his picture. He often does what I call the Muppet smile. See...

The mouth is hanging open in a mock smile. Like he's waiting for you to get the punch line in a joke.

He moved to Seattle last June with his wife and I miss them so much. When I think of Stefan, a picture of him with his Muppet smile comes up in my mind, and I smile my real smile.

Two More Swords

Ben placed first in his weight division for the gi competition and also won the men's gi open weight competition. Denver placed 2nd in the no gi competition for his weight class. Nate placed 2nd in gi for his weight class. Bret placed 3rd in gi for his weight class.

Coach Rob Handley and I with my trophies.

I participated in a submission only grappling tournament on November 14th and ended up doing well. I won the women's Middleweight gi and no gi competitions. I get so nervous before these things that I actually give myself an upset stomach. I really don't have any idea why I get that way, I realize that my competing is only for fun. I've never been involved in a sport where only you are responsible for the outcome. I don't deal with it too well. Aack!

I need to really improve myself before the next tournament. Even though I won, I didn't do it to the best of my ability. I know way more that what I displayed that day. Thanks to Coach Rob for the vote of confidence and for always being proud of me regardless of the outcome.

Click over to Chelsea's blog for more on how the whole team did. Thanks Chelsea, for all the support and encouragement!

Throwdown

A big huge congratulations to Cam, Steve and Eduardo for the awesome display of MMA last Friday night. Eduardo Rivera stepped in the cage first and after standing up with his opponent for a couple of minutes, he threw a hard right hook the guy went right out. KO! He lay on the mat for a good 20 to 30 seconds before he came to.
Camrann came out a few fights later and was up against Eddie Pelczynski. Eddie weighed in 4 pounds heavy and Cam still took the fight, of course. I saw a couple good exchanges and then the fight went to the ground. Eddie got a decent hold on a ankle lock but Cam got out of it. As Eddie tried to get off his back, Cam got to his back, rained down some hit and then sunk a wicked read naked choke. Eddie taps and the crowd went wild. Cam wins and loses graciously.
Steve "Razor" was looking to take the Lightweight title from Rad Martinez. He is one of the most entertaining fighters that you will ever see. The fight pretty much went the same as last year when Rad won the title. Rad is just an amazing wrestler and times the takedowns perfectly. His takedowns were just incredible! Probably the best that I've seen locally. It just seems to me that he has amazing control but doesn't know his submissions too well. Or passing the guard. Or transition from side control to mount. Just saying. I thought that Steve did really well on the ground and got out from Rad a number of times, which I would think is an amazing feat considering that Rad is an absolute monster! He's a chiseled statue of the human body. It's quite easy to identify every muscle group. The fight went for five 5 minute rounds. I can't imagine doing that at that level. You really can't even imagine the athleticism that these fighters have! It's mind blowing. Rad ended up winning by unanimous decision.
There was a great fight between Steve Siler and Enoch "The Animal" Wilson for the Featherweight title. It won Fight of the Night. It also went for five 5 minute rounds and ended in a unanimous decision for Siler. I've never seen so many submission attempts and escapes in one fight. The two of the them did such a great job.
Another fight that I really enjoyed was Jordan Smith vs. Bristol Marunde. Jordan usually fights at 205 lbs, but after totally dominating that weightclass he dropped down to the Middleweight division (185 lbs). He won with an awesome triangle choke in the first round. I talked to him a little bit before the show and asked him if he's going to move on to bigger promotions since he's had so much success locally. He said yes, but he couldn't tell me what it is yet and just to pay attention. I sure will.
Josh Burkman and Brandon Melendez faced off as the main event and Burkman won with a round 1 KO. I wanted to see more of this but it was finished early.
Most of the Absolute team sat together and we all had alot of fun cheering our friends on. The dark part of the night came when the crew brought me to my car and we saw that it was gone! I carpooled down to Orem with Miyo and we met by 90th south exit in Sandy. I parked in an empty lot next to a gas station there and apparently it was a private lot and my car was towed. Argh! It was 2 in the morning and we were trying to track down my car. It cost me $206 to get it out of the impound lot. It is so painful to hand over that kind of money for something so stupid as a parking mistake! Ben got the towing guy to do a little dance as I handed over the cash and we all got a good laugh out of that one. It made it better to be around such good friends that sympathized with me and were there to witness the guy tell me that he likes my coat and thinks that I'm pretty. The comments made by the group after that little exchange made me smile all the way home.

Tomorrow Night!

Come watch Camrann Pacheco, Steve Sharp, and Eduardo win their fights. These boys are looking so good. In the cage, that is. Alright, outside of it too.

"Only mediocre people are at their best all of the time."

Email From My Mother

Hello my darling daughter,

I found this quote from posh dating service ad that was in an airline magazine that I recently perused through.

"Undoubtedly however, if you are an attractive, successful, relatively private and selective individual, you have found that the more you have to offer, the more difficult it seems to find the person who is right for you." (You came to mind immediately.)

Yesterday was our 33rd wedding anniversary. Can you believe that? I asked Dad how he managed to stay married to me for that long?!!!!! He had a big embarrassed grin on his face. I gave him a complete set of all the Three Stooges films for a specific time period, and Dad picked up some frozen berries from Trader Joe's for me.

Keep the faith and keep on going. I love you lots. Mom

Chalk One Up For This Bantamweight

My friend Denver, was supposed to fight in a promotion up in Ogden on Friday night but that show was cancelled due to that fact that none of the other fighters besides Denver and his opponent had their blood tests done. It was disappointing to all of us. I was over at Cam's on Friday night and found out that Denver was offered a fight in the Ultimate Combat Experience. They were going to allow him to use his weigh in results from Thursday night. He won the fight two and a half minutes into the first round by ground and pound. I'm so proud of my pal. This is his start to being at the top of that weight class.
(He's the shorter one in the Sprawl shorts)

I love the takedown at 1:25. We've been working on that a ton in class last week.

FAIL

I know, I know! I'm falling flat on my face with the whole posting every day idea. The weekend was insanely, awesomely busy, but I have some fun posts to share this upcoming week because of it. Thank you for your patience with me and good night.

What Today Was Great For...

Corndogs, Diet Coke, and rhinoceroses (rhinoceroci?).

I left work early because it was WAY too beautiful outside not to, and took my 2 year old nephew to the zoo. I guess the animals were as excited as I was that it was Friday because they were all awake and active and playful. All I ever see them doing is laying on a log with a bored stare. They're all so old and decrepit.

• Denver, one of my teammates at Absolute, is fighting at Teazers in Ogden tomorrow night. He's a Bantamweight (135 lbs) and I can't hardly wait to see the beginnings of his domination in that weight class. I saw him at the gym this morning doing the last of his weight cutting and he looked great. He's confident and ready.


(taken from Denver's Facebook page)

• My abs were really sore last night and I was wondering it felt like someone ran over my mid-section with a motorcycle. And then I remembered the 400 push-ups and sit-ups that we did at the end of our conditioning round the other night after Muay Thai. Yep, that would do it.


• I've been doing morning sessions with Rob and Cam on Tuesdays and Thursdays and they have spent alot of time with me. I've been going in to work early and then leaving for a couple hours to train. On Tuesday, Cam rolled with me the whole time and taught me some of his best go-to submissions from the half man guard. Rob went what felt like a billion rounds with me this morning until I felt sufficiently smashed and exhausted. This is so much fun.
  
• The thought "I need more spandex" was recently on my brain. Yes, I wear little booty shorts and a fitted rash guard under my gi or my fight shorts. It hasn't been doing it's job of keeping me covered though. Quite often my shirt ends up around my armpits when I'm rolling and everything is just all hanging out. It's horribly embarrassing. So a wrestling singlet was purchased. It was sent to Absolute and as I was trying it on in the changing room I hear a chorus of shouts from the front desk telling me to come out and show them. Ha! The show is over guys. I'm keeping it all contained now.

The All Star Dog!

I desperately need to go to bed, so I'll just leave you with this image.
(salivating)...I can't wait for baseball season to start up again.

He's Got Some Moves!

I train at Absolute with Donny "Sleavehead" Raines and not only is he a great fighter but he is a great actor and film producer. Check this out.

Serious talent, I know. That was just an small excerpt from his movie I Know Kung Fu. Check out the full version (it's in two parts) here and here. It's a super fun time!
This is another that I enjoyed from Sleavhead's You Tube collection...

And let's not forget about his MMA highlights. His submissions are awesome! He's pretty sneaky with that armbar...catches me with it all the time.

Don't you wish Donny was your friend? Yeah, I'm the lucky one.

Movie Review - Gentlemen Broncos

My PIC, Ashley, got married and moved to Texas last Spring and left her younger sister, Emily, to fill in for her. If I can't have Ashley, Emily is a GREAT replacement. Emily's birthday was last Thursday and she got tickets to a pre-screening of Gentlemen Broncos, the new Jared Hess film. This is the same writer/director that did Napoleon Dynamite and Nacho Libre. Do you remember seeing Napoleon in the theaters for the first time? Were you thinking what the hell was that? I sure did. Then you saw it a second time because some guys down the street rented the movie and since they were cute you decided to go and then realized that it actually is wicked hilarious and not just because the cute guys thought so. This is the potential that Gentlemen Broncos has. Emily and I walked out of the theater thinking this was the dumbest movie ever to be put into production. On the way home we were making fun of it and started to recall some of the more humorous parts. But the time we got back to her house we were laughing like a couple of crazies. The giggles wouldn't cease. This continued the next day through text messaging. So I think that I would recommend seeing this when it comes to theaters but go with low expectations because it does follow the Hess recipe for success - awkward hero and nerdy cast placed into a ridiculous plot. Enjoy.

There is also a great clip of Jemaine Clement (he's the best part of the movie) in character as Dr. Ronald Chevalier.

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

I recently went out with some friends and it came up that I haven't been posting lately and they seemed rather disappointed. I guess that sometimes you get tired of blogging or start running out interesting ideas to write about, then your blog starts losing any kind of momentum and your fan base disintegrates and no motivation to blog exists. Well, let's see if I can resurrect this blog. I will post a new entry everyday during this new month. I can't promise that it will be interesting but something will be up on this site daily. And I never allow comments anymore because I haven't been reading or commenting on the blogs that I subscribe to and don't want others to feel obligated to comment on mine. It's not that I'm not enjoying your blogs, it's just that my job description has changed a bit and I'm in front of a computer for work much of the day and the last thing that I want to do when I come home is sit at a desk. I do appreciate those of you that keep your blogs going strong and someday I will catch up on your posts. But that's going to have to wait until I get sick or something tragic like that. So hold on to your hats, you're going to get sick of VTS by the end of November, I can promise you that.