This May Only Be Funny Because I Have a German Mom

I've been too busy to blog lately, so I'll just leave you with this commercial. My bro introduced me to this and it made me think of my mom. Her thick German accent was the cause of much ridicule, which never fared so well because she's...uhm, German...and therefore humorless.

It's Amazing That I Go Out In Public

I love my hairstyle. I really do. I think it manages to be sassy, yet sporty. And it's true that immediately after I blowdry it and apply copious amounts of gel and hairspray it closely resembles this: But as soon as I take that step out of the bathroom, it looks like this:

I try to go for something kinda like...I'm The Best This Damn Lab Has Got! And end up looking a bit more like...Crap, My Alarm Forgot To Wake Me Up This Morning!

Garth Algar: Yes, I have a question. When did you turn into a nutbar?

Maybe I Do Want To Be A French Fry!

Have you heard that radio commercial promoting Burger King's dollar menu? I hear a 400 times a day. Let me explain.

The conversation is between an employer and a brand new employee.

Employer: Welcome to the company. We're excited to have you on board.

Employee: Thank you, and I quit. Could I get paid now?

Employer: What? You've only been here for two seconds. You want me to give you the dollar you've earned?

Employee: Yeah. Do you have any idea what I can get for a dollar? (Employee then proceeds to explain what the BK value menu contains and what he's going to use his dollar on...blah, blah, blah)

Well, I've done the math and figured out what kind of money this moron walked away from. If this guy was paid hourly he would be making $1,800/hr. He would earn $14,400 a day, based on an eight hour day. His annual salary would be $3,744,000! Who would quit that job?! This commercial totally bugs me for that reason. Everytime I hear it, my mind starts wandering and contemplating what kind of job that must be and whether or not I'm qualified for it.

For your viewing enjoyment, I've posted one of my favorite Burger King commercials.

Hahaha! It hasn't stopped being funny.

The Throwdown Recap From An Amateur Eye

I'm so sorry that I didn't follow up on who was coming to the fights. I had some problems with my phone and couldn't get a hold of anyone. The event was awesome. They really put alot of effort into making it a really big show. I'll give you plenty of notice for the next fight. You've got to come see this. I went with a few girls from work who have never watched a fight before. They had a great time and really enjoyed the spectacle.

It started off with some amateur "rivalry fights" between UVU, BYU, Utah, and some high schools. I guess they were competing for school cred? I have no idea what that was all about. And those fights were pretty lame. There was a fight where one of the competitors was in the mount (very advantageous position) all three rounds and couldn't finish the fight off!! That was frustrating to watch.

Then the pro fights started. There was a change on the fight card and Johnny Miller (Ben's bro) was going to fight one of the guys at Absolute, Dave Bubel. I was a little surprised by this because I really hadn't seen Dave there training regularly. But when it came time for the fight it was announced that Dave wouldn't be able to compete. I wonder what happened. I feel bad when that happens, for Dave and Johnny. You prepare so long and so hard, and I'm sure that it takes a ton of mental preparation and controlling your nerves leading up to the fight, and then you find out that you're not fighting. Oh man, that would be wicked sucky. Total understatement.

There was another lame fight and then it was time for Camrann to step in the cage. I always get nervous when I see someone I know step in the ring, but I didn't with Camrann. I was so confident in his ability. He came out big and looked dominating. He landed some great kicks and got in a few throws before Casey Beckstead got him to the ground. Cam was trying to pull rubber guard and somehow managed to scrape Casey's eye. The doctor looked at it and declared that they wouldn't be able to continue the fight. It was ruled a no contest. The fight lasted only a minute and a half. But a really exciting minute and a half. You can read his recap here. I'm so proud of Cam. I've got a soft spot in my heart for him. He's a great friend and it seems that he takes special interest in seeing me succeed.

The next fight was a fun one to watch. It was Casey Carter against Dan Gardner. From the beginning I could tell that Dan had this fight. There was some serious power behind his throws, and he was landing them. In the middle of the first round, Dan got Casey to the ground, mounted him and knocked him out in just a few punches. Man, those ground and pounds are scary. That's an understatement too. That would be the worst way to lose a fight.

Next up was DaMarques Johnson vs. Harold Lucambio, two serious badasses. I've seen both of them fight before and was unsure of the way this was going to turn out. There was some good stand up and then when it got to the ground, DaMarques got him in a triangle and Harold tapped out in the first round. I was hoping that one would last longer. I really wanted to see what they were capable of.

Travis Marx and Rad Martinez were next. Boring fight. Travis won by unanimous decision.

The match-up between Tim Panter (I keep wanting to call him Tim Panther...what?) and Derek Downey was awesome. They both are fierce. The fight only lasted one round with Derek taking Tim down, working cross body and then getting in the mount. It only took one or two punches for Derek to get the knockout. Derek has such precision. It's so fun to watch him. My heart sunk though when I saw Tim on the ground after the fight and he wasn't getting up. It took a minute for him to recover but then he was fine. This bout was for the Throwdown Middleweight Championship.

The main event was Mike Whitehead against Soakai Pulu. These were heavyweights, weighing close to 300 lbs! Huge! In my personal opinion, I don't think the heavyweights are as fun to watch. They don't have the speed and agility that the others have which makes it exciting to me. Mike Whitehead choked out his opponent a minute into the first round.

And that's my recap. This has all come from my mediocre memory as I did not write anything down, and could be mistaken on a couple things. I could go into more detail, but I don't think that most of you who read this would know what I'm talking about. It's nice to watch these fights and know what's going on. I can see what they're doing right and what they're doing wrong. I kept catching myself criticizing other's ground game and then thinking it's probably difficult to remember your jujitsu when you're being punched in the face. At least when I grapple I don't have to worry about the ground and pound. Seeing these fights really made me want to compete. I want to see what I'm capable of.

So yeah, next time I'll pull a group together and I'll organize it better. Hopefully Camrann will be fighting again soon and you can see some Class A combat.

And I Present...

The 19 year old Vanessa.

Bwahahahaha!

How did I get to be so awesome, you ask? It just came naturally.

I'm pretty sure that I rocked the grunge look longer than was acceptable. I kinda wish I had one of these flannel shirts still. Or the hemp necklace.

Here's another nugget that I dug up while cleaning my basement last weekend:
The 23 year old Vanessa.

I know how to handle my men!

And now, the 29 year old Vanessa...

The years have been good to me. Don't hate.

What I've Been Learning

A recently read a book called Hagakure: The Book of the Samurai by Yamamoto Tsunetomo. It is a collection of reflections that give insight to Bushido, which is The Way of the Warrior. This book talks of the way a warrior should think and act, what virtues are important, and how to serve your master.
There were aspects of the book that were not applicable to our times, such as when your master dies, you are to perform seppuku, which is suicide by disembowelment. No thanks. But other parts of the book spoke to my soul.

"In the words of the ancients, one should make his decisions within the space of seven breaths. Lord Takanobu said, 'If indiscrimination is long, it will spoil.' Lord Naoshige said, 'When matters are done leisurely, seven out of ten will turn out badly. A warrior is a person who does things quickly.'
When your mind is going hither and thither, discrimination will never be brought to a conclusion. With an intense, fresh, and underlying spirit, one will make his judgements within the space of seven breaths. It is a matter of being determined and having the spirit to break right through to the other side."

After having read that, I decided to apply it. And it has made a big difference in my life. I tend to trust my decisions more. I feel more in control of how things will turn out as a result of my choices. I feel more comfortable in making decisions. I accept consequences better. I'm more in control of my life.

I really want to achieve a high level of self-mastery. I'm starting to make loftier goals and am breaking through barriers that I have built for myself. I enjoy this path that I'm on.

I know that I make alot of mistakes in my life. But I really do my best to learn from them. Right now I'm trying to move past my mistakes quicker. I might linger on them too long and turn them into a bigger deal than they originally were. But as long as I have goals for improvement and am really honest with myself, I think that life is going to be really great for me. Actually, it already is.

Baseball Is the New Hockey

Well, hockey season has ended (at least for the Grizzlies) and baseball season has just begun. Good thing they flow one right after the other. I will admit that I'm kind of glad that the Grizzlies aren't playing anymore. They were painful to watch this year. Just a terrible team. They could throw off the gloves and fight though. I will give them that. That aspect made it bearable to watch. What I didn't know (until the last game of the season) is that I had a hook-up to let me into the games for free. Man, I feel so stupid that I spent so much money to watch them lose. I have tried to flirt with the old men that take the tickets or guard the staff entrances, but they really stand their ground. It's worked at Bees games numerous times (Shanna knows). These E Center men must be made of stone.

For kicks and giggles:



And in case you wanted to see some fighting, check out this game that happened over 10 years ago. Beware. It doesn't get much more brutal than this:



The Bees had their first home game yesterday. I'm looking forward to plenty of days sitting alongside the firstbase line behind the dugout, shouting at Charles Nagy. And insulting the opposing pitcher. And eating an All Star Dog. What is an All-Star Dog, you ask? It is heaven on a freaking bun! Sauteed vegetables and a hollandaise sauce over a footlong hot dog. Let's go to the ballpark and I'll buy you one. You'll love me forever. That's a promise.

The Red Sox were up against the Yankees today. And WON! (picture wild cheering and the ripping off of my shirt). That's a good omen. It sets the right pace for the rest of the season. It makes me feel more comfortable about how things will turn out. I pray for each player by name and position.

I think this Red Sox fanaticism is a disease. I can't control my emotions when it comes to my team. Take for instance, when someone harasses me if the Red Sox suddenly are behind a game or two in their division. I really get angry that it was brought up and have to stop myself from making a personal attack at that person. "Yeah, so? You're a pee drinking crap face!" Also, back in 2003, I was dating a guy named Alex who was watching Game 7 of the ALCS with me when the Red Sox lost to the Yankees, and I broke up with him because he didn't think it was a big deal. Whaaaat! I just couldn't handle that attitude.

Random thought. I think that the "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" song at the seventh inning stretch only sounds good if you sing it as if you were under the influence of large amounts of alcohol. Otherwise it just sounds lame. Try it. Right now in your own home. Sing it normal first, and then sing it as if you were totally plastered. It just sounds better and is way more fun to sing. I think they play it at the seventh inning to give people plenty of time to tank up.

Well, let me know if you'd like to join me at the ballpark anytime this season. I pledge to have plenty of sunflower seeds and an arsenal of trash talk.

Sorry Guys!

Sorry about yesterday's threat. I didn't mean it. I know that you wait in eager anticipation for what I'll post next. It's just that yesterday I fell in the shower and cracked a tile with my head! It wasn't a good day.

Thanks for your comments! I'm excited to watch the fights with those of you that want to come.

C'mon Guys!

No one wants to go to the fights? Seriously? You have no idea what you're missing. Is this how it's going to be when I have a fight? Did anyone even read my post?!

That's it. No more new posts until I get some answers.

The Showdown. Be There!

I have a very important announcement to make. It involves two men and a cage.

Do you want to see something that will send your heart racing? Do you want to see men who are trained and conditioned to almost superhuman ability? Do you want to see men with intense discipline and fortitude battle it out for victory? Do you want your world to be rocked? COME TO THE FIGHTS!

On Friday April 18th at the McKay Events Center in Orem, Throwdown Elite Training Center is hosting The Showdown. Although I enjoy going to all the fights, I have special interest in this one. Camrann Pacheco, frequent commenter on this blog and instructor at the gym I train at, is entering the octagon. And of course I will support Cam 100% in all that he does. This guy is a machine. I feel sorry for his opponent. Truly, I'm sorry. I know what Camrann can do. I've taken kicks from Cam when he was using only half the power that he's capable of, and have ended up with bruises the size of bowling balls. This guys form and power is something that many of us at the gym aspire to. You're not going to want to miss this fight. Trust me. I predict Camrann takes the win by knockout. I can sense it by using the force.

A little Showdown snack:

Fight Card

Mike Whitehead vs Soakai Pulu

Hvy
Travis Marx vs Rad Martinez

155 lb
Derek Downey vs Tim Panter

185 lb
Dan Gardner vs Casey Carter

170 lb
Tua Lino vs Eric Fredrickson

Hvy
Camrann Pacheco vs Casey Beckstead

145 lb
Paul Sizemore vs Tallon Tores

185lb
Dan Bishop vs Craig Ross

145 lb
Usabio Sams vs Harold Lucambio

170 lb
Alexis Burkman vs Johnny Miller

135 lb

Derek Downey has been to Absolute and has trained with some amazing fighters. His ground game is excellent and I am extremely excited to see him participate in a MMA fight.

Ben's younger brother, Johnny Miller, is also a contender. I saw him fight at the Weber County Fair last August. This guy is fierce! I didn't understand too much about MMA back then, but I thought it was the best fight. We sat front row, and at one point Johnny had his opponent on the ground against the cage and he was standing up over him landing some really hard hits. Intense. But I've been informed that we're mortal enemies because we train at different gyms. Both him and Ben train at Bernales Institute of Martial Arts and I'm at Absolute. I love it! I've always wanted someone to call a mortal enemy! It sounds so...Mortal Kombat. Harold is another fighter that trains at Bernales. I saw him grapple at a tournament last year and he was very good. He just fought last weekend at Jeremy Horn's Fight Night and lost. So he's going to be going hard for the win. These fights should be awesome. Trust me.

Anyone reading this should come. And I can get tickets! You can enjoy a night full of action with me for only $20! I should re-phrase that sentence. Nah. You know what I mean. Come and support local fighting. Which in turn will support me! I want you to come! RSVP in the comment section. If you aren't able to make it, I want to know why! I need all my readers to leave a response.

The Best Part About Having My Own Place...

is that when my room looks like this:
I can just go and sleep in the guest room.

Oh, and using the blender at 5am.

And walking around naked.

And curling up on the couch reading for hours while drinking an entire 2 liter bottle of Diet Coke and a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs and have no one witness it. You know, in case I ever wanted to do that.

My Pal. My Bro.

Stefan Ulrich Alexander

(a name doesn't get much sexier than that)

It's my brother. Younger brother. I call him Stefy. He calls me Nessy. We're pretty much best friends. And thugs.

A chuck kick? Constipation? Take a guess.

It's been a recent realization that we don't hang around each other because of familial obligation, but because we genuinely enjoy each others friendship. Whoa! When did that happen? His wife has been out of town a few times in the last couple of months, leaving me and Stef here to have our own fun. Mostly that has consisted of eating gyros from Yanni's and watching Jazz games.

Last week I got a tutorial on ridiculously expensive automobiles. And I think I fell in love. With the Mercedes McLaren SLR.

Holy hot dang!

After being informed of its engine and speed capabilities, I knew that I had to have one. Now I just need to find 450,000 dollar bills somewhere. Because its not under my mattress. Though I do make a seven figure income. If you count the numbers that come after the decimal. No matter, you really can't beat driving around a '92 Volvo.

Stef really wants the new Camaro. The one that made its debut on Transformers. Drool. Check it out:

Wouldn't you just want to drive around all day? And then make out in it?

Note: Stef likes to call it a "marrow". And he sounds so cool saying it like that. If I try, I just end up sounding like a big dork.

Do you want to know what the most expensive car in the world is? Brace yourselves. It's pretty awesome.

The Bugatti Veyron. Isn't the name intense? I think I want to name my firstborn Veyron. Anyway, guess how much this street legal Formula One car costs? If your guess is in the range of more than you'll ever make in your lifetime, you're probably right. Wait for it...$1,700,000! I might have to wait a few years before purchasing this. You know, because I don't want it to be an impulse buy.

Do you want to know which car I originally fell in love with? A '67 GTO. My dad used to have one, but sold it back when I was really young. I saw it in the movie Bandits and just knew that we were meant for each other. I can vividly picture myself driving this car. Someday.

Back to my brother.

The guy is a champ. Mark, Nik and I, were born right in a row. One year after the next. Stef came 5 years later. The little guy worked hard to keep up. He refused to accept the fact that he was too little to do the things that his older siblings were doing. He was friends with all our friends. He became really athletic and could hold his own on anything we did. And was usually better than us too. The kid is impressive.

This is how I remember him:

The skinny little punk.

He LOVES Super. When he comes over, he'll make a special stop at Super's tank and talk to him a little bit. Maybe give him a pinch of fish flakes. Just in case I was starving him or something.

Funniest thing. I mentioned that I hadn't seen Beowulf yet and that we should rent it. He looked at me sternly and told me never, ever to see it. He then proceeds to tell me of graphic limb ripping and dismemberment and then the eating of the dismembered head. His eyes were all wide as he retold the images that were burned into his brain. Man, it was so funny. So don't see Beowulf. This is your warning.

Stef's a good pal. We just signed up as a team for my company's annual golf tournament. He's setting goals for improvement so that we don't look foolish when it's tournament time.

Simply put, the guy is awesome.

Seriously, This Is Incredible!

My friend Tiffany, sent me this story. I usually hate forwarded mail, but I really enjoyed this one. Please read it in its entirety.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly .

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

April 1

For a known jokester, I did not pull one April Fools Day prank. Tragic. I know that people around me where bracing themselves wondering when one was coming. Nothing.

Yesterday I read an article that talked of the best April Fools Day pranks in history. This was a really fun read. Someday, when I'm filthy rich and clever enough to think of a wicked awesome prank, I'm going to make the list. Just you wait.

My personal favorite was of an Arizona newspaper that ran an article about a new charity formed that would benefit the homeless, called 'The Arm the Homeless Coalition.' This new organization would provide the homeless with guns and ammunition. And the public bought it! It got national attention before it was revealed that it was a joke. Man, that was pure genius.

The president of the lab I work for made an announcement that there would be coffee and donuts in the lunchroom to celebrate good invoicing for the previous month. Everyone started filing down the stairs and into the lunchroom where the president and the lab manager were there just laughing at everyone. Not just a chuckle either. No, this was a bent over and tears in the eyes kind of laugh. No one else thought it was that funny. Later that afternoon there was another page telling us that they were sorry and that there really are donuts and OJ down in the lunchroom this time. Nope. Still a joke. And it was even funnier to them this time around. Jerks.